When to call?

[Puzzledtraveller]

In my post "Introduction" I explain that just recently I found out my mom has stomach cancer. She has yet to see her oncologist but it has been confirmed. We are still waiting for the results of other tests. She has mentioned passing on any surgery they want to do because she would very likely have a greatly diminished quality of life and because she already lost so much weight she may not survive an operation and if she did the recovery we be exceptionally hard on her.
I think she feels if her days are numbered than she would rather take what steps she can to delay and limit the cancer and to live as freely and pain free as she can. Beside weight loss she has said she doesn't have any pain. So being several states away from my mom Facebook has been a great way for us to correspond and her to see my family grow but obviously we plan to visit her and stay with her as long as we can. There are many unknowns at the moment. But I am sitting here thinking "shouldn't I be calling her everyday?" is that too much, would it make it seem like she was already dying, I just don't know how to behave. We spoke two days ago when in a conference call my sister, and brother and mom talked about the news.
I have let it sink in for two days and think I will call her this evening. I do not want to focus on the cancer, or make it seem like "this may be the last time I speak to you!" , I know she has some time left if left untreated. I do not want to speculate on how long, but I feel like it is long enough for my family to plan the trip and go down to Texas. I am thinking November as I am waiting to hear back on 5 interviews I had. But how often should I call her? We didn't talk all that often before then. They have the oncology appointment Wednesday, perhaps knowing more will help. I still don't know. As you can see I am very confused. I need a little help, advice.

[No Vested Interest]

1. Think about what you would like to say to her.

Are there questions you'd like to ask about her life - growing up, meeting and dating your Dad, having her and raising her children?
What would you like to know about her parents -your grandparents- and her grandparents?
Tell her that now that you have a little girl, you'd like to pass on those stories to your child.

(I can't tell you how many people wish they had asked their parents some of these questions before the parents were gone.

Then ask her if she'd mind if you called every few days or so.

[Puzzledtraveller]

3. Thank you.

It's been helpful to get advice like this because I have had this deer in the headlights thing since I found out and just haven't quite been able to think clearly about what to do.

[No Vested Interest]

5. You'll get more comfortable with conversations as you get into the routine,

and the conversations will become easier.
You'll take your clues from your Mom.
You are doing a good thing for her, and it's a blessing for you as well to have this time with your Mom.

[Tab]

2. Let her guide you

I know I like it when people call to check on me, but sometimes I don't answer the phone or talk long because I'm not up to it. So, unless she asks otherwise (and it's okay to ask her if she minds if you call every day) go ahead, but don't be offended if she doesn't want to talk or talk long.

My mother, whom I love very much, often calls (not every day, but close) but sometimes I don't pick up the phone or, if I feel I'm overdue to connect, I'll talk but cut it short if I don't have the energy. Nothing against her, just what I can manage at the moment.

Take your cues from her. You can ask about her results, conversations with oncologist, etc. If she indicates she'd rather not talk about it, respect that. I personally don't want to be immersed in it, but I know the rest of my family wants to know where things are. Sometimes I'm more in the mood to talk. Generally I don't mind answering questions, but I don't want to dwell on it, but that's just me.

And, yes, talk about memories, family, let her do a "brain dump" if she wants and milk her for answers for questions you'd like to know about (if she's willing). I know one concern I have is that a lot of my experiences and things I know will die with me, and if someone would like to know how something was like or how I got through it, or what it was like at a certain time (e.g.: growing up with no TV, dirt roads, automats, WWII, whatever) I like to share. We are at risk for forgetting the past because it's generally not recorded. Not so much today, where everything is on video and twitter and the historical record is rich, but back when I was growing up and certainly when my mother was growing up, those times can get lost. She may not want to go back, that's up to her, but let her guide you.

The other thing is to try to make sure loose ends are tied up; she'll probably rest better knowing everything's in place so she won't be leaving a legal mess behind. I know that's a worry I have.

There are no prescribed answers, e.g.: call every 36 hours, no more or less. It's an individual thing and you should take your cues from her, but don't be afraid to broach a topic. You'd be surprised what people will talk about closer to the end that they wouldn't do earlier. I know I had subjects I never used to talk about, but now I realize there's no advantage for me to keep them hidden, and I'm willing to talk about things that previously I wouldn't.

Don't fret over what's "correct". Do what feels natural.

Best,

- Tab

[Puzzledtraveller]

4. Thank you.

I think that is a good strategy. I called her this evening. I talked with my sister earlier today and she mentioned my mom would be by herself tonight so I knew she would love to hear from me. We talked about my family coming down and sleeping arrangements, everyday things seemed to make her happy and normal. I know she has a lot to tell me and I'm going to let her know it's her time. She listened to all of us all these years and now it's time for us to listen to her. Thank you Tab.