Introduction
Some of you may have seen my post in General Discussion
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027237747
My mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer but we do not yet know the extent of the cancer and are awaiting that information. My mom has an appointment with the oncologist next Wednesday and my two big sisters will be going with her. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother and I went with our father to Louisville Kentucky and my mother and two sisters remained in San Antonio where they are still today. I pains me not be at my moms side and it pains me that I did not make better efforts over the years to visit her. I feel like I didn't try to see her enough as I should have been. My brother and I would spend the summer break with her every year up to the time we both graduated from high school. As an adult I still made trips to see her but it has been more so in the last decade and perhaps more that I have been really negligent in making the time to see her. So I am relieved she has my sisters to be with her as she goes this and I am committed now to getting down there to spend as much time with as I can.
I am 42 years old and just had my first child, a little girl. My big brother is gay and has never wanted to have children so my mom was worried she wouldn't have any grandkids from either of her sons. I am so thankful that I was able to give her a beautiful granddaughter while she is still with us. Both of my sisters had two children, my oldest sister had two girls and the younger sister had a boy and a girl and all are well. My family has been fortunate to not have any major illness or tragedy. I have always been aware of this to the extent I have always been worried that I would not handle well any deep personal loss. Though I suppose it's not something you can or ever want to get used to anyway. One unfortunate side effect of growing up separated from my mother throughout most of my life is a slight numbness, like a delay in my feelings. I am actually more worried that I will not feel as much as I should if she happens to leave us but I don't want to get ahead of things so I will stop there.
I am unsure of how I should feel, how I should go about my daily life. What can I do for my mom and even my sisters from a distance, or at least until I can be with them. Is it normal for me to now feel a slight paranoia now about my own health?
We will know more soon and I will be pleased to share what we know here. I can tell that the feedback of community is very valuable and comforting. My thoughts have been all over the place and this is only the second day that we have known. I dreamt about my mom last night, and in the dream she was driving a car and picked me up from somewhere. It was unusual because I never dream about my mom. In the dream as I got in the car she motioned to the tape deck and said to put on whatever I want. Obviously we were in an older car and I had in my hand a CD Walkman and it just so happened to have a tape adapter which I placed in the cars tape deck. This is the song that was playing in the car as my mom drove. I had the unnerving thought that the dream and song may mean that I would not be far behind when that time comes, or maybe and more likely that when that time comes a part of me, her baby, will go with her. I know it's too early and not useful to think of the end but my mom has said she may decline surgery. I don't know, but I am glad I could share this.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I went into a bit of shock the day I got my diagnosis. You think about all kinds of things and go through all kinds of emotions.
Family members do as well.
There are no rules about how you should feel about your mom's cancer. Don't beat yourself up. You're having a perfectly normal reaction to devastating news. You're still adjusting to the news. Your mind needs to play with the news, allowing you to come to terms with it.
Guilt and regret are normal reactions to the news a loved one has cancer.
You love your mom and it comes across in your words. Phone calls help. Make plans to be there if she does opt for surgery/treatment. Make plans to be there if she doesn't. Write letters, send cards - I was always happy to get cards and letters from my family. Call your sisters and be sure you all keep in touch. Let them know they can talk to you. Let your mom know.
It is perfectly normal to worry about your own health when a parent has cancer. Some cancers run in families.
Great group of people here that can help you along the way. Let us know how things are going.
some additional information. I can only echo what others have said about staying in touch with both phone calls and mail, they both mean so much and are different.
Getting mail is exciting, plus she can display the cards in her room, they last longer after you hang up! That is not to say that hearing a voice and having a conversation is less important ... they both are important. So visit a card store and buy a bunch of cards, some from you and a couple from your daughter. IMO they should be upbeat, go for the humor, and then write a short, but personal note. Plan a visit when you can, but ask your sisters for advice as to when they might need support. Formulate a plan as they are on the frontlines and might be able to handle things currently, but there might be gaps when you can fill in, be there when they cannot so your Mom will have constant support. As my sister said to me, supporting the primary caregivers when they need it help is important, plus you are not duplicating and overwhelming your Mom with visits.
Consider setting up a Caringbridge or CarePages site, if your Mom is on the internet she can read the comments of support and your sisters can post updates as to what is currently taking place without having to make endless phone calls.
Do what you can, keep the communication lines open with your Mom and your sisters.
Wishing the best for your Mom and for your entire family.
I'm glad you came over to post.
It's clear you're very close to your mother and somewhat at sea with the new news. Part of the process is just wrapping your mind around it, and that can take a long time (I was diagnosed nearly 7 years ago and it took quite some time before I accepted it). Tears are totally acceptable.
Some of the others have posted about what to expect emotionally and how you can help. I'm not exactly sure what you meant by asking what you could expect - in every aspect, or simply medically, or emotionally? Medically - and I am not a doctor, just a patient - they will remove the stomach and biopsy it. If the cancer is fully contained within the margins (in other words, they thought they "got it all"
then with any luck she'll need follow-up scans but hopefully little or no more treatment. That said, she'll be without a stomach, so there's stuff to be dealt with there (but I don't know what's involved).
If it has spread beyond the stomach then there will probably be follow-up chemo or radiation or both, depending where and how extensively it's spread. I've learned not to speculate too much - first, if you want the warm and fuzzies, don't be looking things up on the Internet. Second, my speculation is often wrong (I'm afraid it's spread, I think it hasn't spread, I think this is elevated, I think that has dropped) and I've learned to try to do away with anxiety and take it as it comes. It's not easy, but it's all you can do.
The important thing here is to take care of yourself. If you dissolve into a basket case, you help no one. You're taking good steps already (posting here, reaching out).
I hope it goes well. Please keep posting here. You can also PM me if you want to email or talk privately.
Wishing the best for you and your mother...
- Tab