Need some advice on helping a friend with a substance abuse problem.

[GumboYaYa]

Last edited Thu Feb 22, 2024, 12:11 PM - Edit history (1)

I posted this in GD and someone suggested I repost it here. Thanks in advance for your help.

We have a long-term friend who has had a drinking problem for many years. For the past several years he has been working in a job where his boss is his best drinking buddy and it has apparently escalated into other drugs being abused in addition to alcohol. Our friend has become convinced that his current environment is toxic so he came to us and asked for a job. We agreed to hire him, he is like family to us.

This week we schedule a meeting to discuss his role in our business and his ideas for how he can contribute to its success. He shows up to the meeting completely trashed, unable to have a civil conversation and arguing with us about everything we discuss. It was completely unproductive.

We have rescheduled the meeting for tomorrow and asked him to be sober for the meeting. But we are not sure what to do at this meeting.

For us the right answer is for him to go to rehab and we would support him in that effort by paying him a salary even before he starts with us if he spends the time in rehab. But we are not sure how to have this conversation without making him angry.

We are not sure whether we should hire him if he declines to go to rehab. Is it better to get him out of the current situation or are we enabling the disease if we employ him without requiring a change? Generally we want to do the right, most effective thing to help and we are absolutely confused as to what that is. If anyone has experience here, please help!!!!

[elleng]

1. Sorry for your friend, but good he recognized the issue, as self-diagnosis is #1,

I've learned.

He may be interested to learn about the problem/disease. I suggest he learn from James Milam.

Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism Mass Market Paperback – July 1, 1984
by James Robert Milam (Author), Katherine Ketcham (Author)

[Stuart G]

9. Kick & Recommend ....Thank You for post Number 1 and for Original post by GumboYaYa

[pwb]

2. Some of my long term friends are assholes.

I have let them go as friends because of it. Others I have helped like you want to.
Showing up like he did you should help him but not hire him. IMO.

[walkingman]

5. My experience with alcohol and drug abuse has not been very positive.

In my role as a regional manager I sent many people to rehabilitation for drugs, mostly alcohol. All except one came out of rehab a new person with good attitude and much better employee. But over time, usually 6 months to a year they had fallen back into having issues. In the case of drugs vs alcohol it went mostly undetected by their behavior on the job. The primary issue was attendance and dependability. They would just almost disappear for 2-3 days, their manager unable to contact them, etc. Sadly the long term consequences for most was termination and in some cases even death. It is hard to see someone you have known for years fall into such an abyss.

The one things that is an absolute necessity, I think, is they have to stop associating with those with the same behavior. Addiction is not a easy problem to solve. Only the individual can stop the cycle - I think (not an expert).

As far as old friends - I also have a similar situation with two of my oldest friends. In one case I have known this friend for over 45 years. In the meantime he has been through 3 divorces, my wife doesn't like him coming around anymore and the dude is a total narcissist who is constantly blaming others for his problems. He usually calls me when he is drunk and it actually ruins my evening because there is no conversation just blab blab blab, blab. I can't get a word in edgewise and it never fails at the end of our conversation he will always bring up religion. I listen for a while and then just try to politely hang up. But it makes me feel bad and I wish he had never called.

[multigraincracker]

3. Condition of employment

Seems very fair to me.
Great to help, but there has to be limits. That sounds fair.
I went through rehab 30 years ago. I was self medicating for a pain I didn’t understand. A great psychiatrist took me under his wing and only then did all make sense to me.
Good luck.

[lynintenn]

4. We dealt with a son for 10 years with drug abuse

He was in denial. Some friends offered him a job but he failed the drug test. He finally agreed to go to rehab. Cost us alot of money but was worth it. He Has been clean for 10 years with a steady job and recently married. His addiction impacted his daughter more than anyone and they still have aa rocky relationship. Your friend needs to go to rehab and go thru the AA and NA streps. Don't be an enabler any longer . He will thank you when he's living a normal life again.

[bif]

7. Not sure how the Auto Club would help

[Stuart G]

10. Great Post about your son...Thank You for posting it

[bif]

6. An intervention might help

A good friend does interventions for a living. (His partner did mine a bunch of years ago). He's a great guy and might be worth talking to. If you need contact info, DM me and I'll be happy to share.

[RainCaster]

8. If your friend is interested in sobriety

He needs to talk to another alcoholic. We know the details like nobody else. We are the ones who have lived the life of a pass out drunk. We've been forced into rehab by bosses, judges, spouses and children. There is nobody who will be more honest, believable and approachable than one of us who have lived through it.

If he doesn't like what we have to say, we'll happily refund all his misery.