I have a serious drinking problem ...
and the last 2 years have made it all the worse. I've been to AA a few times, but it never worked for very long ... I know I'm killing myself, but some part of me seems to be ok with that. I need help, because it's clear I can't help myself.
= new reply since forum marked as read
... with a doctor who specializes in addiction.
Pretty much all of my trouble as a young adult was alcohol-related (as a social drinker) in various ways, but I thankfully never developed an addiction to it. One of my drinking buddies from that period described how he was always thinking about his next drink, from the time he awoke each day, and I felt so much sympathy for him!
There might even be some drugs that could help, but I haven't researched it -- perhaps like how Chantix blocks the nicotine receptors in the brain, making cigarette smoking non-rewarding in terms of dopamine.
I tried everything, doctor, counseling, medication, detox, but AA was my last stop. I met the wonderful woman who became my AA sponsor at my second meeting and she listened to me and told me what to do. I started going to meetings with her and to those she recommended - and I started making friends. I started giving rides to meetings and made some friends that way.
But it didn't happen for me overnight like it does for some, I went to my first meeting in late November 2008 and my sobriety date is April 30, 2009. And I did get discouraged, wish I could access a post I made on DU.2 where I said I wasn't doing well. But what worked for me were the friends I met and learning from others who talked about what worked for them. I particularly liked literature meetings, they taught me a lot, still do.
In the beginning I questioned AA since all they did was talk about alcohol, which I was trying to avoid. But I had gone through a long sober period in the past, but I forgot, and I don't want to forget again. And I still go to meetings, though some I liked a lot have closed due to the pandemic. But I've now been going long enough that I can run into supportive friends at pretty much any local meeting.
And I can empathize, I couldn't do it my myself, either. That's how AA works, those who get sober pay it forward and that's what I try to do today. What I say to anyone starting out is that if I can do it, anyone can. It's a group effort and you just have to hang in there, that's what I did. I sure know what you're going through, I've been there, too. 
Of course, having started in 1935, a lot of the literature mentions God as the higher power and I know that can turn some people off. At one of my first meetings, some guy who knew all the literature started highlighting passages in the Big Book that I brought with me and I interrupted saying "I'm not religious." And he said "Are you open minded?" That's all it took. In my travels, I've run across many more people who aren't religious and substitute GOD for "Good Orderly Direction," "Group of Drunks," the list goes on. My sponsor was Jewish and not religious. Instead of ending her meetings with the Serenity Prayer, she'd use The Responsibility Declaration which is about reaching out to others.
I realize that some are religious and if that's what works for them, good for them. Everyone's perspective and background - and beliefs - are different. The way I look at it is "Take What You Want and Leave the Rest." I know that there are more God-centered groups around here, but I haven't been to them. And if someone wants to end the meeting with The Lord's Prayer, I'm not about to walk out (like one woman I know who has 37 years does), I figure if that helps them, that's okay with me.
Have you looked online for nearby meetings that aren't held in churches (though that doesn't necessarily mean they're particularly religious, it's just the venue) or different groups than you tried before? I was lucky that I found my "home group" at my second meeting, but that group fell apart (after 35 years), so I started going to what was a beginners' group, held at a treatment center/halfway house and discovered that they needed me since that meeting had a lot of turnover. Sometimes it takes awhile to find a place where you're comfortable. 
I was somehow led to this article …
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/features/getting-sober-finding-your-way
I don’t know if any of their suggestions will help, but I hope something or someone can …
My virtual arms are around you, dear SarcasticSatyr 
to stop. I was going through a period when I hit rock bottom and I spent some time being honest with myself about the origin of my problems. I had some mental issues that I'm still being treated for, but I thought about the role alcohol played in my life and how it always seemed to affect my life negatively. From bad decisions I made while under the influence of alcohol to its destructive influence on my relationships and on down to its impact on my health and the way I felt, I realized I couldn't carry on with alcohol in my life.
So I came to the conclusion that I would try to go without alcohol for a month just to see how I felt. I didn't resolve to never drink again; I just decided to go a short period without it. Fortunately I didn't have a physical addiction to alcohol, it was psychological, but it was especially influential in social situations. So I didn't go to any parties and didn't hang out in places where people drank.
At first I thought about drinking sometimes, but I kept telling myself that going without it was a temporary thing. I realized after about a week that I was feeling better (I usually had horrible hangovers most days) and my sleep improved (I had thought for a long time that I couldn't sleep without alcohol). And when I went to the store or anyplace else, I was no longer worried about being caught driving under the influence, which was a major stress relief.
So I decided to keep it up. I told myself that this was going to be the new me. I wasn't going to swear off drinking forever, but it was never going to take control of my life to wreak havoc like it had before. And it worked. About once or twice a year I will allow myself to have a drink, if there's some special occasion. I'm responsible about it, though. No driving or doing anything else illegal. Usually I'll have a little hangover the next day and that will be all the reminder I need that alcohol is just not for me, not anymore.
So it really all comes down to you taking stock of the problems in your life and asking yourself where those problems originated. Seeing a psychologist or another type of counselor can be a big help. Tell your primary care physician that you're quitting and ask their advice on how to proceed. They might put you on an antidepressant or something else that might help to calm your nerves in case you have a physical addiction.
Just remember that this is a lifestyle change. You're starting off with a clean slate and your life is going to be different from now on. I think it's important also to tell yourself that you aren't really giving up anything. You could have a drink if you really want, but you aren't going to allow yourself to be led around by your bad habits anymore.
And treat yourself to some favorite things every now and then. Maybe you like candy bars or maybe you'd like to get a video game set, or maybe you like books. If you quit drinking, you'll soon realize that you have a lot of extra cash. After an occasion where you have a drink, decide to test yourself on how long you can go without alcohol this time. It's good to challenge yourself.
I've read that quitting on your own is just as likely to be effective as going to AA. Groups and talk about a higher power being your only hope turns me off, even though I believe in God. If you aren't a person who believes in God, that's fine. You can do this on your own if you have to, but I do recommend telling your doctor at the very least. He/She might be able to refer you to the right counselor. Best of luck to you!
In other words, a major collapse of pride and ego. It happened to me mostly in one day in 1990 and at a point where I was nearly dead from non-stop drinking every day for years. I had two young kids and wanted to live to help them grow up. I was able to muster the strength to search for help and was in detox a few weeks later but due to my extreme physical addiction to booze, I had to drink heavily literally all the way to the door of the hospital.
Thank goodness, by doing a few simple things we can surrender much of our pride and ego without taking it that far. I finally saw that alcoholism was a physical, mental and emotional disease, no matter how serious it has become but the less serious it is, the more the ego keeps us in denial that we have a problem and it convinces us we can fix it ourselves. Unfortunately, most of us could not fix a problem this complex without help.
AA to my knowledge is the only place you can get free help from others with a drinking problem and that you can come and go as you please, and it's 100% up to you how you use it. Try to look at AA as a box of tools that have worked for millions of others trying to stop drinking and rebuild their lives, but you must decide which ones to pick up to help yourself.
Look at everything you hear at meetings as suggestions that have worked for others and if you truly want to stop drinking, you will at least listen to those suggestions with compassion and humility. Like I was told early in, what I was trying sure as hell was not working so I may as well shut up and hear how those guys with years of sobriety have been doing it.
Many AA members simply forget that we lead and help others by suggestion and by sharing what has worked for us. We must not tell people what they have to do because alcoholics (and a lot of non-alcoholics) rebel when told what to do (think of covid vaccinations, LOL). So, I understand that you bristled at someone telling you to get on your knees. He should have just told you that getting on his knees works for him.
It's unfortunate that some in AA simply cannot leave their religion at the door when they enter, but please flip your thinking and understand that AA allows each member the choice of the tools they decide to use. Also understand that AA allows each group the freedom to be autonomous. That is, the groups decides on the direction they want to take as a group but only if it's in a way that does not damage AA as a whole.
If most groups in your area have allowed religion to infuse their meetings, find another alcoholic that thinks like you and form your own damn group. Yes, you can do that and I helped with a group like that here in Kentucky. All you need is two people and a Big Book or 12 & 12 Book, or just a printed copy of The Twelve Steps and The Twelve Traditions to read. Even the coffee pot is optional. You may even have atheist/agnostic-oriented meetings already in your area!
AA must forever be seen as having its doors open to anyone that wants to stop drinking regardless of race, color, nationality, creed or religion. Therefore, theoretically a black LGBT Muslim female walking into a meeting in the USA Bible belt should be welcomed with open arms. But because we're all human with remnants of our egos and with some desire to control, it does not always happen that way. AA simply relies on the faith that groups that go too far astray from AA Traditions will eventually fail and dissolve. In many cases, they can do as they please but should stop calling themselves an AA Group.
I'll end by listing a few things that have been key to my staying sober:
1. I had to learn to meditate, at least in a way that quietened my very cluttered mind. Thereafter, I could then address an enormous do-list awaiting me after I left detox because most everything in my life was a wreck. After I started traveling in my work, I learned to use that little skill to stop that squirrel-cage brain during rushed, busy tasks.
2. I had to overcome my shyness and make some friends with other alcoholics and ask for phone numbers and meet somewhere to have coffee or just hang out in a park and talk, but the very best for this introvert was one-on-one at a kitchen table. The founders of AA learned in the '30 that sharing our troubles, our history and thoughts on how we're staying sober is a necessity for success. The primary founders Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith did that by visiting drunks in the hospital, in their homes and on the street.
3. I started traveling around the country early after detox to get work and pay my bills and made meetings everywhere I went. By seeing the diversity in meetings around the nation, it taught me how AA is supposed to work but that the basic principles always work everywhere. The differences between meetings in Monroe, Louisiana and Reedsport, Oregon and Newark, NJ made me see their commonality.
4. To avoid drink, I had to start exercising good moral and physical habits, or at least try. That meant things like stop harming others, take better care of my health (including diet and sleep habits) and at least trying to make amends for most of the harm I had done.
5. I read a lot and carried my recovery books everywhere I traveled, and tried to call another AA member or family member each day. With the help of an AA sponsor/helper/friend, I worked on AA's Twelve Steps as best I could while traveling. It was piecemeal but it worked.
6. They suggested I try to find a power greater than myself that I can address in my meditation with humility, and that it can be anything I want - - my '57 Chevy or my 'ole dog, my AA group, or some traditional god if I must. After years of trial and error, I chose the Earth as my higher power and it has worked really well. I can see the Earth, touch the Earth, and I'm free to talk to the Earth anytime. Plus, she always seems to listen!
7. I discovered the phenomenal power of writing things down on paper that were bothering me, making me angry or things I didn't understand. There's something magic in seeing it on paper. Another way to look at that is it "brings things out into the sunlight." When done, we can keep it for memories or just throw it away, and some people find relief from burning their notes. I carried DayTimer daily planners for many years and use that for my notes, sometimes writing in a restaurant after leaving a job for the day.
8. Lots of good sayings repeated in my head: Progress, not perfection. One day at a time. Keep it simple, stupid (KISS). Principles, not personalities. It works if you work it. And, maybe the most important one....
"Don't drink, go to meetings, read the Big Book and call another alcoholic."
If you're interested in learning more about how AA was started and how it's supposed to work, I suggest you get a copy of these books (published by AA World Services): 1.) The AA "big book" labeled "Alcoholics Anonymous", 2. "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions", 3.) "Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age", and 4.) "As Bill Sees It".
The AA Comes of Age book and 12 & 12 book were the ones that allowed me to open my eyes on how AA is supposed to work for both me and alcoholics around the globe.and if you bristle at some of the AA Step work, try reading those first. Just remember that the AA Big Book was written in the 1930s and is quite old-fashioned and interpreted by many as too religious. It is not a book of religion but instead the founders simply used some ideas from religion as part of the foundation (surrender, service, humility, etc.).
Sorry to have rambled for so long but remember we stay sober by helping others and that's worked for me for 31 years. By giving me a chance to share, you have helped me to stay sober today and I say thanks!
KY.......
hope you are ok
I know you said that AA hadn't resonated for you, but that's what I've stuck with since I needed the support and suggestions from others. I never know when I'll hear something that will be helpful for me. I've performed several jobs over time in a few groups, but the one I like the best is handing out coins. In my beginners' group I hand out coins from 24 hours to 11 months and in my women's group I once gave a woman a coin for 50 years!
But the one that's most important is that 24 hour one, since that's all it takes, remaining sober for the next 24 hours - and a lot of people like to carry that 24 hour coin with them no matter how much time they have.
I once introduced a really nice man I know who's been sober for 30 years to one of the new guys in my beginners' group. And he told him that they're really the same, each of them just has to remain sober for the next 24 hours.
So here's a 24 hour coin for you - I just wish I could give it to you in person. Hang in there, 5 days is a great start. You just need to do it again today. 
When I was new, I can remember seeing others getting month coins and thinking to myself that I could never do that. But I kept coming back and now I'm the one who hands them out - but it did take me awhile. Everyone's different. And there are numerous slogans we hear that are supposed to be helpful reminders. The one that helped me was "Move a muscle, change a thought." If I found myself obsessing or feeling sorry, I'd force myself do do something, anything, that distracted me, even if it was just for a few minutes. And that gave me more time and often changed my attitude.
And another thing I was told is that I can always start that 24 hours over. It took me awhile, but there are still days, even now, when I just take it One Day at a Time. Oh, and remember to breathe! 
but damn- 5 days 
please keep us in the loop... I think of you everyday and truly hope for the best
for some reason, maybe because of what I am going through, your story has hit home for me
reach out anytime to this online community
