Should a feminist wife be an equal contributor to the household finances?

[Old and In the Way]

This discussion thread was locked as off-topic by ZombieHorde (a host of the Feminists group).

Last edited Fri Feb 24, 2012, 11:43 PM - Edit history (1)

My wife hasn't worked in 20 years...but our current financial situation is straining the relationship. Is there an equal obligation for both parties to contribute to the well-being of the family?

[DURHAM D]

1. Have you talked with her about it?

[ForgoTheConsequence]

2. Yes.

But being a feminist has nothing to do with it. Both people in any relationship should be required to contribute what they can financially and emotionally.

[elleng]

3. Yes.

Thanks

[Old and In the Way]

10. She claims to be a feminist and she's run for state -wide office.

Now, we have one of those ugly situations where we're argruing about money. Now, she's not so much a feminist...because she thinks I should be taking care of the economic issues we have. Who's right here?

[ForgoTheConsequence]

11. Well.

If she believes in standard Judeo-Christian archaic gender roles, she isn't much of a feminist. Or she's a feminist of convenience.

[Remember Me]

21. And let's not forget -- all that UNPAID work IS a financial contribution too

It's been an unpaid contribution to the whole of society, as a matter of fact.

That's not to say the woman in question (Mrs. Old and in the Way) should or shouldn't go get paid work outside the house -- I have no opinion on the matter.

But what I WILL weigh in on in this case is that if she is currently shouldering the burden of the bulk of the Life Maintenance Tasks (aka: housework including cooking), then if she does return to the workforce, those LMTs shoujd be split right down the middle.

[southernyankeebelle]

4. Most feminists I know want to be in the workforce. You need to sit her down and show her

what money is coming in and show her the bills and what money is going out. Even if she went back part-time it would be of help. She could do that. Do you help her around the house equally? If not you should be. Do you help with the children? If not you should be. But she needs to go back to work. Or tell her you'll have to cut back on the extras you get. Tell her no going to get her hair or nails done. Cut off the cable and get rid of the cellphone for her since she is home and doesn't need it. Tell her no going out spending money on dinners, or movies. Hope that helps. It would have worked on me. But then again I would see my husband in such stress and I would be looking fast for a job to help even if it is part time. Good luck.

[Old and In the Way]

9. We've been married 30 years

She's not happy with our income situation...I say she could have contributed to our family income...who's right?

[elleng]

17. Don't mean to be sarcastic, but sort of do:

Say YOU're not happy with the income situation, either.
Forget that she 'could have' contributed, but more important that she do so now.

[Old and In the Way]

35. Actually, I'm not.

I live pretty damn frugally. Maybe a 6 pack every 2 weeks, that's it. It's not the little issues, but when we get an unexpected $8000 State bill dropped in our checking account...yeah, that's a big problem.

[southernyankeebelle]

18. YOU ARE. I am a wife. I worked for the whole time my husband was in the military and

we retired. I worked for another 9 yrs. But I wanted to stop working because I was extremely tired and had some medical issues. I also wanted to stay home to take care of my mother-in-law and granddaughter. I was lucky enough that my sister send us some money that allow me to stop working. I didn't work fulltime though. I worked about 25 to 30 hrs a week. But I will tell you once I stopped working it was nice. I didn't have to go out and buy new cloths for work or drive the car as much. But if I had to I would go back to work. I would find something I could do. I couldn't work full time because I can't stand or sit long periods of time. But I would find a way to help my husband. I would look for ways to cut back at home. Shame her into going back to work. These are hard times and you need her help. Enlist her family to help get her off her but. I have been married for 32 yrs. If my husband would ask me to go to work then I would know that it is a serious problem.

[cloudbase]

5. I'll be the contrarian here.

Just because a woman doesn't contirbute equally financially doesn't mean that she doesn't contribute in countless other ways. Those contributions may very well have a value well above any financial amount(s) that she would otherwise bring to the relationship.

Each couple have to work out what works for them. There's no absolute one size fits all answer.

[elleng]

7. Nothing contrarian about it, cloud.

Perfectly correct, and value must be calculated into the discussion. Doesn't mean an additional income isn't necessary, of course.

[Old and In the Way]

15. I'll be a contrarion and say, other tha giving birth, I was totally involved.

I got so good at changing diapers. I could deal with 2 of them at the same time. Anyone whose dealt with 2+YO diapers know what I mean. We truly split the childrearing aspects of our family life. Problem is, only 1 income in the past 20+ years. Now, that's a problem.

[Remember Me]

25. Uh, unless you didn't go out of the house to make that income

you were NOT "truly splitting the childrearing aspects of your family life."

I'm also acutely uncomfortable with you bringing your personal life here to this forum to get "support" for what you should be talking to your wife about, and I find it unseemly in the extreme that you are resentful of her and expressing that HERE. Take it to her and talk it out, or take it to a counselor of some sort -- marriage, therapist, whatever. It doesn't belong here, and your treatment of your wife by doing so is beyond the pale. Shame on you.

[Old and In the Way]

30. I've working out of the house for 15 years,

I visit customers and suppliers as needed. I've always been involved with my kids,,,every way you'd expect a male to be involved, in the very best way.

[elleng]

6. Hasn't 'worked,' or hasn't 'worked outside the home?'

May I suggest you take great care with the way you frame and discuss this.

Explain and discuss the financial situation, and ask if she has, or could work on, ideas for ways she might contribute to the family's finances.

[FLyellowdog]

12. As well as ways you can take some of the household responsibilities to free up her time. nt

[Old and In the Way]

13. Here's the problem in a nutshell.

Last edited Fri Feb 24, 2012, 11:45 PM - Edit history (1)

The State today just liened our checking account for $8000 dollars. We only had $3000 in there. The problem has been festering since 2006 on our State income tax returns. She apparently didn't pay the tax, over the automatic withholding...so now we are truly screwed. I have to get involved, but the point is, she decided to quit working 23 years ago and we've never been able to recover from that. She claims to be a feminist, though....

[elleng]

16. Serious problems, can be worked out.

Calling oneself 'feminist' doesn't mean anything, imo. Sounds like you may need 2 kinds of counseling, financial/tax/legal AND marriage. None of this easy.

Don't know how your State works, but do know that IRS is very helpful/friendly when we let them know we want to work out a payment plan; they don't expect more than we can afford. I'm paying, monthly, my 'share,' for tax years '06, '07, '08, and '10.

I'm very sorry about your problems.

[Old and In the Way]

28. Thanks for the advice, but I doubt either of us will get counseling.

It's not in our nature. We fight a lot and love a lot....that's the way it is. As a male, I've got a situation where I might get more income upside, but it's dependent on the economy. I'm feeling she could work and help deal with the financial situation. That's where we are now.

[elleng]

33. Happy to hear that you love a lot,

in addition to fight a lot. Without knowing that, I'd think things between you were much worse. Hope kids know about the love part.

Do look into approaches to dealing with tax situation. 'Counseling' not necessary, but do inquire about ways to make it manageable. May mean just find informative/helpful person/office in the State 'treasury' office.

[Old and In the Way]

36. They do...kids are fine. Sadly, this went done on our son's 23rd birthday today.

We had to go to Walmart to cash an expense check because our bank would have had to use it to pay the lien (which is bullshit, btw) . We've never had to do this...and son is bumming because he thinks he's the problem. He's not. Just a stupid situation between mom and dad and alcohol probably aggravated it.

[REP]

20. First, here is a link that may help:

http://communitydispatch.com/IRS_Tax_Tips_30/IRS_Seven_Facts_about_Injured_Spouse_Relief10799.shtml

Second: this sounds like a domestic dispute, not one over feminist ideology. How one divides household expenses is nearly as personal as how many children one chooses to have, and both decisions can be made completely independent of any political ideology or theory.

[Remember Me]

27. And NONE of it should be brought here for discussion

What an incredible betrayal of trust for him to be hashing this out in a public forum, unbeknownst to her.

[Old and In the Way]

32. You're probably right...you should have addressed it to me directly, though.

Both of us have been drinking and it was one of those ugly "he said/she said". She has her own account here, but she'd definitely would be pissed if she knew I posted this. I'll let her know tomorrow. But the point remains of my post is still valid, IMHO.

[Remember Me]

37. By the time I got to that point I thought I'd said enough,

but you're right otherwise, so I'll say it now: This is unseemly, wrong, and terribly passive-aggressive. I can't think it could lead to better communications or solutions to your problems. I'd be close to divorcing you after a stunt like this, and it's humiliating to BOTH of you that you can't-- or won't -- keep your marital affairs out of public.

You really ought to stop this and delete all your posts. Please consider it.

[Ruby the Liberal]

8. What is the dynamic of those 20 years?

Are financial decisions made jointly? Do you talk about priorities and budgets? What kind of communication is the norm? Have you talked about the fact that you have financial concerns? Etc...

Way more to this than a mere "should she get a job" type of question. If she isn't aware that this is an issue that is giving you heartburn, try opening up to her about it. You just may be surprised at the little things, like things you thought she put a priority on, she really doesn't give a shit about.

[Old and In the Way]

14. 2 people can't handle finances.

When we first got married. I was a dickhead about following a budget...but that was an issue. So she took it over. Now. we are truely screwed and she's blaming me for not having enough income to deal with the situation. I say. "bullshit".

[kestrel91316]

19. Are you suggesting that keeping the household running smoothly

(cooking, cleaning, shopping, repairs/maintenance, rinse, repeat as infinitum) is not contributing to the well-being of the family?

I guarantee you she's worked her ass off. Unless your home looks like something on "Hoarders".

If you are suggesting she work outside the home, perhaps the time to discuss that was when you first got married, with annual reviews. Do you ever talk to your wife or do you just whine about how lazy she is to your internet buddies?

[Old and In the Way]

24. Not in our case.

We've both contributed to the household. Truth be known, I do a shitload more "domestic" chores than she does "manly" chores.

[Whisp]

26. ouch.

The guy is just asking for advice, put away the hammer.

[ZombieHorde]

22. I'm sorry you're fighting with your wife about money.

Tough situation. The economy is poor, so even if she agrees to get a paying job, she may not find one.

To answer your question: usually yes.

[Old and In the Way]

23. Just so everyone knows....I doubt our situation is differnet from millions of Americans.

In some ways we have good assets....but significant liabilities. In our case we are real estate "rich" but cash "poor". So it goes. The big issue is blame allocation.
I want to discuss the problem directly, but then I get accused of being a dickhead and not understanding our situation.

[iris27]

29. A wife and husband, assuming they are equally able-bodied, should be equal contributors to the life

they have built together. This doesn't necessarily mean both equally contribute at home and both equally contribute financially, but there should be an overall balance in what both are doing.

Many times, though - not saying that this is necessarily the case in your situation, but sociological studies have found, on average, that wives do literally double the amount of the unpaid, day-to-day "stuff" that keeps life running smoothly compared to husbands, and that husbands consistently overestimate the amount of time they spend on such tasks, and underestimate the time their wives spend, when both are compared to an objective timing device.

However, in your particular case, it sounds like there may be other issues in play, and I'll echo elleng's suggestion that both financial and relationship counseling might be beneficial.

[uppityperson]

31. Addressing only your OP, of course there will be unequal financial and other contributions. In

relationships between people, each has things they do more than the other does. Each has somethings they like to do, somethings they are good at, some ways of contributing that the other might not equally.

Both parties should contribute to the well being of the family but to try and make everything "equal" in most cases causes more problems.

There are many ways to contribute to the well being of the family, not just financially.

IF you want to make everything "equal", make sure it is not just finances, but everything else. And make sure you both spend equal time making sure everything is equal. I am not sure how it all can be equal since we are all different.

[Old and In the Way]

34. Kind of why I posted here, uppityperson.

No doubt I'll regret it tomorrow when I sober up, but the point is. I trust her implicitly with the family budget. Things have gotten ugly because we didn't deal with the problem 5 years ago. Now that the shit hits the fan, I'm the bad guy for putting our family in this situation...even though she's been handling the budget for 25+ years.

[Remember Me]

38. People, please stop responding. This is NOT the proper place to play

marriage counselor or to weigh in on what's wrong with this marriage and how to fix it. It's not a discussion of feminism in any real way; it's a train wreck. Please stop feeding it.