Asking for advice regarding 13 year old trans boy

[Coventina]

Hi all,

If this is not appropriate, please feel free to lock or delete.

I'm asking for advice on a difficult situation with a 13 year old trans boy.

My sister-in-law reached out to me, but I didn't have much advice to give.

Apologies in advance, as this might be a bit lengthy.


The situation is this: My SIL (a very caring person) has become somewhat of a mother / mentor figure for this boy. He is the youngest of three siblings, the older two are cis-female. He is the only one still living with his father. The mother is completely out of the picture.

The father is a fundamentalist Christian, and is refusing to accept Jacob as his son. He constantly berates him and says Jacob is female, will always be female, and will not cooperate with Jacob on anything. Needless to say, Jacob has not seen either a doctor or a counselor to support his gender identity.

I won't bore you with the long story of how my SIL came to be Jacob's mother figure / confidant / mentor, but she is.
She supports Jacob as a trans boy, against the wishes of his father. Jacob spends a lot of time at my SIL's house, just kind of hanging out with her. Jacob's family is extremely poor, they were homeless before my SIL and brother actually bought the family a cheap condo to live in. (Fortunately, my brother is able to do this).

Jacob's dad is blind and lives on disability, that is why they are so poor.

Anyway, because of their extreme poverty, my SIL ends up buying Jacob a lot of things (food, school supplies, etc.).

A few days ago, Jacob asked my SIL to buy him some clothes, specifically for trans boys. I did not know such things existed, so I am working on educating myself. My SIL felt a little uncomfortable with this request, as she knows it goes specifically against his father's wishes. Also, the father does not like it when his inability to provide for his children is highlighted this way.

So, my SIL asked Jacob to ask his dad if it was OK that she buy him some clothes. She just wanted general permission to purchase clothes, she did not mean for Jacob to specify that it was things that supported his gender identity.

However, that's what Jacob did, asking his dad if my SIL could buy him binders and special pants. Well, she could hear the dad screaming at Jacob that no, he is a girl, and will always be a girl, and he was not allowed to wear trans supportive clothing.

My SIL was really upset, and ended up buying the clothing for Jacob anyway. But, she's very conflicted about it. She has no legal standing in this situation. Also, she doesn't want to anger the father too much by undermining his position, and possibly forbidding any involvement. My SIL is also a bit uncomfortable with the situation anyway, as she is NOT Jacob's mother, although he's told her he sees her that way.

She's not sure what to do, worrying that the situation is unhealthy. However, she's worried about distancing herself from Jacob, as he has no other person in his life to be an emotional and psychological support.

He's bullied at school a lot. He just got his period, and bled at his desk and the other students made fun of him horribly over it.

As I said earlier, he's not allowed to go for counseling or join any kind of trans support group or peer group due to his dad's extreme views and attitude.

My SIL poured all this out to me last night, although we've talked about it for the last several years (her involvement with the family goes back quite some time). I wasn't sure how to advise her. It seems like a really sad situation, and I understand her worry and concern about it.

I have met the young man myself and I feel his identity is genuine. By that I mean I don't think he is doing this to act out against his dad or anything like that. I feel he is a young man, struggling to live his life true to himself in a horrible situation with his dad.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Tetrachloride]

1. Gather resources and information

Welcome. I am aware personally of a situation where an outsider is seen as a parent. I appreciate the feeling of stepping over a line.

1. Some states are loaded with resources.

2. I suggest confidential consultations with a lawyer from a friendly area

I look forward to reading others’ suggestions

[questionseverything]

2. He should try the school counselor, dad doesn't need to know about it

Where I live the school counselor would contact a community counselor that would meet with the boy over study hall or lunch

For heaven’s sake keep track of his period so that accident never happens again

Sil needs to make sure the boy knows she is not his mom, she is his friend and while it probably doesn’t feel like it now, he will have many friends down the road

Have the boy try the theater group at school, they are much more open and accepting than general high schoolers

Sil should reinforce to the boy, his father’s attitude is his father’s problem and the boy / or sil need to not purposely irritate him but not fret over him either.

No one’s parents are perfect, have the boy try and enjoy the good parts ( hopefully there are some) and ignore the other

You don’t say where you are from but even here in downstate Illinois there is a thriving gay/trans community… things will get better!

[FirstLight]

12. I was going to say this as well...school counselors can be super helpful

I hope they live in a state that allows for gender-affirming therapies.

In CA, they not only provide couunseling through Mental Health, but also top-surgery and hormones for those on Medi-CAL (low income health insurance through the state)

sending my good vibes for this kid. I've been a Rainbow Momma Bear for several of my kid's friends through Jr hhigh and HS when their parents wouldn't let them express themselves. MY "daughter" is now non-binary and I am really working hard to not deadname and use they/them ... It's hard even when you are supportive, and sucks when parents aren't

[questionseverything]

13. Being a teenager is tough in general

He just needs to build a bigger support group…. It’s all going to take time

Bless you and the ops sil for being “part of the village “

[Maraya1969]

3. I'm sure there are trans youth groups that could provide much better help.

I want to smack that father in the face so that's why I am not such a good source of help

[KatK]

4. Trans Lifeline can help locate local resources

Call [phone] in the US for general help and for finding local resources.

Their website has some weird blank spaces, but they are the real deal.

[dickthegrouch]

5. PFLAG can be very helpful

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays https://pflag.org/
They have quite a list of resources and groups in every State.

Another huge resource is the Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Don't be afraid to call Child protective services if the boy is truly in danger from his father (unless they're in Texas or Florida).

Make sure your SIL and the boy know of the new "988" national suicide hotline where there are trained counselors 24/7.

Suicide Hotlines in The United States
Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Trans Lifeline 1-877-565-8860 (for the transgender community)
TrevorLifeline 1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ youth)
Veterans Crisis Line 1-800-273-8255, Press 1

Good luck to all.

[hedda_foil]

6. Who do his sisters live with? Why is this most vulnerable child left with dad?

Is the rest of the family like the father? Is there another place he can go and be more accepted? What state does he live in? How abusive is dad? Is it only about the trans issue or is he abusive regardless? All these factors play into what might be done.

[Coventina]

15. All three children are still under 18. The oldest lives with her boyfriend's family.

The middle child technically still lives with Jacob and their dad, but spends most nights (and days) with her friends and their families.

This is in Arizona.

The dad is not physically abusive. Just mentally and emotionally in that he refuses to even have a rational discussion with Jacob about his gender identity.
The dad also berates him for being gay, because he likes girls.
Jacob has tried to explain that he is a boy who likes girls.

The father is abusive also in the sense that he really does not take any initiative to care for his children. They have been pretty much on their own their whole lives. He has never really parented them, so their house is always a complete disgusting disaster. Since he's blind, it doesn't bother him any.

[hedda_foil]

19. If the house is that bad and dad is blind and disabled, your friend might be able to get custody.

Would she like to do that? It sounds like DCFS should be called in to evaluate. If your friend wants Jacob, a lawyer is probably in order to let her know what steps to take.

[Coventina]

20. Good point. I will discuss this with her.

Thanks!!

[irisblue]

7. Which state? Is there a Stonewall type organization?

https://www.glsen.org/- group for LGBTQ HS students.

[Coventina]

16. Arizona. I will look it up! Thanks! n/t

[irisblue]

23. To my surprise, Az Dept of Ed has this-Resources for LGBTQ+ Students, Educators, and Families

Website-https://www.azed.gov/resources-lgbtq-students-educators-and-families
"White House Toolkit on Transgender Equality

This toolkit highlights steps that five key agencies are taking to implement President Biden's Executive Order on Preventing and Combating Discrimination on the Basis of Gender Identity or Sexual Orientation and advance equity and justice for transgender individuals. It shares best practices for advancing inclusion, opportunity, and safety for transgender Americans, and provides Federal resources for transgender individuals who believe they have faced discrimination."


Best hopes for our young brother.

[irisblue]

24. University of Arizona LGBTQ student group might be able to give more local advice

Webpage is our of date though.

[hlthe2b]

8. I see you are getting some very good contact numbers and advice.

Have you figured out what is meant by clothes "specifically for trans boys?" I must admit that is new to me. I'd have thought there would not be much of a difference in standard boy's clothing unless it is the sizing and maybe this 13 yo needs unisex clothing but in sizes more conducive perhaps to young girls?

I hope your SIL can give him the help he needs, even if it is mere support until he "ages out of the home."

[ShazzieB]

9. Check this out for info on FTM clothing.

FTM clothing guide: FTM fashion, brands & dressing tips
https://www.emisil.com/blogs/all-blog-posts/ftm-fashion-guide-and-tips

[FreeState]

22. There are items you might not think of

I love reading Amazon reviews, I learn a lot there believe it or not. Jock straps are often used to produce a feeling and appearance of typical male genitalia. There are also bindings to flatten breast tissue etc.

[Timeflyer]

10. If he's interested in anime, manga

If he attends public school, and if there are kids there who are into anime, manga, Japanese animation etc. he might find support among them. My husband was HS teacher, and teacher/supervisor of the schools' Anime Club. Those kids were so great to each other! One of the kids was transgender, and their acceptance and compassion surely helped her make it through several difficult years. When these kids cosplay they cross-dress all the time, no big deal, and it's fun, no judgment.
So awful to be bullied over menstruating! I wish both sexes bled like that, at least once, to know what it entails. Might help with empathy. But middle school years are the worst! All the other DU suggestions are great. Good luck, and your lucky with your SIL. I think she alone, by caring, will make a huge difference for Jacob.

[Tesha]

11. Yes, there are places that sell such clothing

https://www.reviewed.com/parenting/features/clothing-brands-transgender-kids-and-teens

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this - but thank you.
Just know that it may come to removing the child from the abusive dad.

Maybe the sisters are in a position to take him?
He deserves a better life.

[Coventina]

17. Sadly, no. The sisters are still minors themselves.

[grantcart]

14. Lots of good points above. I hope the boy gets the help he needs for the challenges in front of him

My addition is not meant to replace any of the good points above but suggest an additional point for consideration.

My suggestion is find a community resource (community counselor, non denominational chaplain, Mainline Protestant Pastor) who has advanced training as a professional crises counselor to connect to the father.

This is a very sad story and the father is going through considerable suffering in his blindness and disability. My experience with people in similar situations are that their problems compound greatly. Sleep patterns become disrupted, social isolation increases, general depression and loss of purpose.

He lives in a dark world and a cell of isolation and is now losing what may be the last person he has a connection to.

A skilled counselor can listen in a non judgemental way and start to unwind the misery that now engulfs him. Not expecting a miracle but the right connection could create an opportunity for him to put down the pain and fear that he carries. Any improvement in his father's mental health can only have benefits for his son as well.

Good luck and best wishes to all involved.

[Coventina]

18. You make a lot of good points. I will discuss these ideas with my SIL.

Thanks!!!!

[Coventina]

21. Huge thank you to all who responded!

This gives me a lot of places to look for Jacob's support.