Help! My Daughter Is Forcing Me to Choose Between My Grandkids and Her Gay Brother.

[Behind the Aegis]

Dear Prudence,

My husband is turning 50. We love both our children equally. But our daughter has developed some pretty extreme views since marrying a Christian pastor, and she had become a big part of the family Christian values movement. She has given us four grandkids (all under 6), with a fifth on the way. We love the grandkids to bits, her husband not so much, but I don’t think he knows that. Our son is openly gay and dating a boy that we have known forever. My daughter had told us she won’t let her kids be around homosexuality and has not spoken to her brother since he came out. This breaks our hearts and hurts her brother so much, as they used to be so close as kids. He went to her wedding, came out shortly after that, and they have been on icy terms since. We normally do separate family dinners and two Christmases to appease our daughter, as we love our grandchildren dearly and they should not miss out on family love because of their parents’ attitudes. Our daughter and her husband know we don’t agree with then, but we just ignore the elephant in the room for the sake of the kids. I don’t think they know how strongly we disagree with them to try to keep the peace.

Well, until now. My husband and I have money, and we have decided you only live once so we might as well spend some of it. For his 50th, we are taking 50 friends and family members away for the weekend. (Not plane flights, just a two-hour drive from us.) We have booked out an entire place with a pool on a huge farm-style resort. We have 10 grand worth of alcohol ready to go, catering will be booked, and the invites are ready to send. It will be a whole weekend of family, friends, lots of food, and drinking. We love our son and his boyfriend, so they and the boyfriend’s parents are all invited.

But … my husband doesn’t want to invite our daughter. We love her and are close, but he feels she will make a fuss about so many of our LGBTQ friends being there and will try and get us to uninvite her brother for the sake of the children, so the kids can spend the birthday weekend with their grandad. My husband loves his daughter, but feels like he is being guilt tripped and just doesn’t want to deal with it. He thinks she won’t even know about it as she us not on talking terms with anyone we are inviting. I share his attitude in that there is no way I’m kicking out son out of the weekend… but feel like we should at least invite them. They are still family. They still love my husband. They don’t really have many chances for a family weekend away, as being a stay-at-home mother and a pastor of a small church is not a huge income. I think they would like the weekend and I want my daughter to reconnect with her old friends. I feel disappointed that my husband is giving up. He says he doesn’t want to invite them, but is leaving the choice to send invitations up to me. So do I send them an invite? Or just leave it, and if it is ever mentioned by them, just explain we didn’t think they would be interested as her brother, his boyfriend, and his boyfriend’s family are all invited? Is it time we finally stop tip-toeing around this and take sides?

— Mother in the Middle

see Prudence's response

[Tetrachloride]

1. I agree with your husband to not invite daughter.

Separation and time are the low cost way to start the road to redemption.

The 50 friends don’t want the drama.

Your son is more important .

Don’t enable the hate.

Good luck.

[Beatlelvr]

2. I would do this

I would send an invite anyway. Include a note the brother and boyfriend are expected to attend. We've learned in our family to invite everyone even though you know thay can't all come for whatever reason. Don't slight anyone. If your daughter does decide to attend, let her know YOU are hosting and YOU are making the rules. If she can't abide those rules, let her know you will not tolerate a family blowup or drama at YOUR party.

By the way just my humble opinion: I'll never understand why someone in 21st century lives their lives according to what a few prejudiced, superstitious and unworldly guys wrote down 2 thousand years ago.

[Arkansas Granny]

8. Good answer.

[Srkdqltr]

14. Excellent

[no_hypocrisy]

3. I went through something like this when my brother married.

My/Our father insisted that any of the family had to choose between our brother/his son and him/Dad.

Why: Because my/our brother had converted from Judaism to Sufiism, a mystical sect of Islam.

I really didn't decide. I stuck with my brother as the demand was ridiculous. Wish I could say the same for my/our sister, BIL, and mother. They sat in the very last row while I sat alone in the first row during the ceremony.

My instincts were right. Dad made an ass of himself and he got no sympathy from me.

Fast forward 22 years. Dad is dead and my brother is still happily married. My/Our sister kind of woke up from her dream after Dad died and has returned to being a dedicated sister to our brother.

[sboatcar]

4. In that situation I'd invite them all

and if daughter and SIL want to embarrass themselves in front of everyone, that's their choice. If they want to suck it up and have a good time with a bunch of family and friends, maybe they'll come away from it all as better people. That would be my advice. Prudence had some good points to make too tho.

[vercetti2021]

5. I would tell the daughter to stick it up her ass

This is the bed she decided to make. She can suffer the repercussions of marrying a bigot. She obviously turned into a subservient slave wife and she has to learn that her whacked out choices have consequences. I understand the grandparent aspect but when you have that many guests and you spend that much money, you don't want any kind of drama starting up that would ruin everybody's mood because of her and her husband obviously. I would cherish the gay son overall the bigoted daughter. She can suffer the consequences and take it up with God.

[RainCaster]

6. This is a celebration of love, she needs to know that up front

... should you choose to invite her. I understand where you are coming from. Your daughter needs to know this on no uncertain terms. If this is to be a celebration of love (50 years, congrats!), then she needs to know that for the sake of everyone, hostilities must cease or she will not be welcome. Then it would be left to her to make that decision.

If she walks away from your family because of this, her kids will one day ask why. Then you will have the chance to explain.

[Quakerfriend]

11. Ditto!

And, I would make it very clear to her that you and your husband will NOT be open to any negative discussion about your son and his partner.

[al bupp]

7. FWIW, as the father of LGBTQ+ children, I agree w/ Pru

I think her response is well written and more importantly well reasoned. I'm sure, however, that her advise to address your untenable status quo will not be an easy row to hoe. Best of luck.

[Girard442]

9. You have to decide what you want for the weekend.

a) A Hail Mary attempt at family reconciliation, with a low probability of success,

b) A nice time for all attendees, or

c) Rolling the dice, observing the forms by inviting the daughter and SIL, and praying they don't show and stink up the place.

B. Choose B.

[onecaliberal]

10. I'm sorry. My daughter married into a Christian family with a pastor FIL.

She doesn’t bring our grandchildren to our home or let us see them often because we are Democrats. The emotional blackmail is difficult. I wish you luck.

[CurtEastPoint]

15. Nice Christians, eh?

[onecaliberal]

18. When my husband had a massive stroke and was in the hospital for 26 days and rehab for 6 months

They NEVER called me one time. They didn’t visit. Nothing. The non church people rallied around us and lifted us up, helping us with everything. We haven’t spoken to them since before COVID.

[Skittles]

27. very sorry, onecaliberal

that's a cult

[bikeboy]

12. Tell her the truth

Invite her because telling the truth, no matter how hard, is always better than trying to fix anything later.
At the same time you need to be like you were when they were little kids... This is what you're getting for dinner and and that's it. No fussing, no tantrums, no shit shows... it's not all about her and her kids, it about you and your extended family (including them!) and if that is not enough for her and her husband so be it... Don't let the door hit you on the way out and by the way, go home and read some of that good book you're living by and try reading some passages you obviously must have missed...

Sounds like you've got some really cool family and they seem to shine bright for you. Let them shine for her if she can see them...

Good luck! have a blast!

To quote my favorite sticker... The dog was barking, they baby was crying, I had to burn it down!

[Girard442]

13. I think LW's hubby is concerned that daughter and SIL will sabotage the party.

On edit:
Maybe go around handing out Chick Tracts or some such thing.

[CurtEastPoint]

16. LOL on this!

[bikeboy]

28. yah this

It's been on my fridge since we had kids! So glad to someone of the same spirit!

[sheshe2]

17. Send the invite to her.

Ball is in her court, it will force her to make that decision not you.

BTW, Happy Birthday to your husband.

[cilla4progress]

22. Im with

Sheshe!

Just be matter of fact that both kids' families are welcome and you hope they will come with your grandkids!

Tiptoeing thru the tulips as it were!

[Tetrachloride]

19. The answers above are interesting.

I envision 3 scenarios:

1. Consult your son.
2. Consult your son and daughter.
3. Consult neither.

to these “ends”.

A. various forms of conflict
or
B. various forms of peace or detente

To sum up, upon further review, the risk for an unhappy weekend is far lower without your daughter.

[Rebl2]

20. Send an

invite to her, but let her know her brother and his boyfriend will be there as well as other LGBTQ friends. If she chooses to come she is not to make a fuss.
I would listen to your husband though, since the party is for him and don’t invite her.

[blueinredohio]

21. If your daughter is that devout she won't

show up if there's drinking either.

[Meadowoak]

23. It's your husband's 50th birthday, if he doesn't want to invite

The daughter, then don't invite her. You can do another weekend with them at another time. Maybe a Disney weekend for the little ones.

[LuvLoogie]

24. LOL!

"Yay! Grandma!"

While Mom's all

[keithbvadu2]

25. Do they support Trump?

Any Christian who supports Trump has no moral basis to judge others.

Political Christians rather than Christians of faith.

[keithbvadu2]

26. Invite them all. It's their choice to attend or not.

[Dalton555]

29. $10,000 for alcohol

When I read this letter, that's the fact that stood out to me.