Did we raise a sexist daughter?

[RiffRandell]

I'm a stay at home Mom. It makes sense as all our family lives in NE and my husband's job requires some travel (and dongles) so it works out best for us.

Last night, she and I were having a conversation about what she wants to be when she grows up. She said "a Mom like you" (sweet--I'm far from perfect).

So I threw out suggestions like teacher, scientist, environmental stuff as she loves reading non-fiction books about space and wildlife.

She replies, "well, I thought about becoming a scientist, but if the Dad works I'm staying home."

I laughed my ass off.

She just turned 7, so she's got time to rethink things. I also reminded her that she would actually be "working" doing laundry, cooking, vacuuming...I must add as hard as my guy works he does really help around the house and loves to cook.

[seabeyond]

1. i have stayed at home. raised my family. taken care of our home environment.

i think your post is sad. the purpose of it. the question. and the reality of a patriarchy in our society. issues women have. how to address to make a better society for all. your daughter, yes. but your son also.

[RiffRandell]

5. How is it sad?

She's 7...kids say funny things. If she grows up and is happy with whatever career she has will make me happy.

I would love her to be as successful as possible....it's not like I'm advocating her to be on "Teen Mom 20" or whatever season it would be by the time she's a teen.

I don't think our lifestyle (aka me staying at home) harms her in any way.

Just curious...how do you know I have a son? I have posted about him, but not much.

[pacalo]

49. Patriarchy has no bearing on this whatsoever. In my experience, a stay-at-home mother

is in a partnership. While her husband works outside the home, she works just as hard to maintain their home & to take care of the children. That is a choice women (if they're lucky) are free to make for themselves. Finding Riff's post sad reeks of discrimination toward her right to make her own choices.


Reading the rest of your post is similar to playing hopscotch with no clear outline on the grid.

[RiffRandell]

54. Thank you pacalo.

I appreciate your eloquent input, wisdom and support.

[pacalo]

60. No problem, Riff.

[Behind the Aegis]

61. Just wanted to say...

You rock!

[pacalo]

62. I think the same about you, BtA.

[snooper2]

63. I read everything else so came here to look at chatter, have to give you something

You are fucking FAST!




I mean, you found and were the first response within what 8-9 minutes? Hot Damn!


Got to give you props for that

[opiate69]

65. I know, right?

[Aristus]

2. Right now, her perceptions of motherhood, and of women in general, are all centered

around you. You are her whole world of womanhood right now. Once she has more exposure to working women, she will be better equipped to decide what she wants to do with her life.

[RiffRandell]

6. I feel the same way.

I remember being young and wanting to be a mother. Like I said, she's 7. Btw,

[Aristus]

10. Hey!

[RiffRandell]

9. Tell me about it.

Sometimes I get really irritated after having to pick up after them when I've reminded them a million times, but they are great kids (I call them my little liberals) and do well in school so I don't get on them too much.

It's funny...my son tells me who the mean kids are in our neighborhood (boys and girls) and it's usually the ones with uptight, Republican avid church going parents.

[RiffRandell]

23. That is bad parenting.

Last edited Fri Apr 19, 2013, 09:52 AM - Edit history (1)

We're pretty laid back parents. My son played baseball for several years and we always felt so bad for the kids that got berated by their parents if they didn't do well.

I was pretty happy when he didn't want to play anymore.

Updated to add these kids were usually the "star" players that my son says (not all of them) now act like cocky, bullying jerks in middle school.

Shocker! I'm lucky he flies under the radar...no one has messed with him...yet.

[Bonobo]

66. Nice post. nt

[RiffRandell]

38. One of the problems I had with Southern authority

is that most kids are taught to respond "yes ma'am/sir" or "no ma'am/sir which drove me nuts for awhile. That and referring to adults as Ms. "Jane" for example my kids's friends. Hell, I don't care if they call me by my first name!

I was stern on manners and hand washing but was fine with "Please may I have/thank you/you're welcome, which my kids are impeccable about.

We didn't have them when we first moved here so when the kids who bagged my groceries called me ma'am it weirded me out and made me feel old.

Last year my son had his first male teacher who was a great guy but really enforced the "yes sir" but I didn't care that much as my son loved him and like I said...great teacher.

Pretty sure my kids use it in school as it's standard practice, but when my son wants to push my buttons (for instance if I ask him if he completed his homework) he'll respond "yes ma'am" because he knows it bugs me.

It's not the worst thing in the world and I don't want to come across as insulting to Southerners...it was just hard to adapt to coming from NE.

[libodem]

7. She is young

Plus there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom. When my babies were little, I wanted nothing more. I didn't always have that opportunity.

In a newspaper article, sometime ago, around graduation time, a woman was interviewed with the question, 'what one thing would you want to impart to students?'.
Her answer was to do things in the order that they should be done in regards to major life events.

In other words, get your education, graduate, have a job, choose a suitable marriage partner based on shared values, then have children. At first I though it pretty obvious and trite. And then I thought some more. If one starts out backward you may never have the option of being allowed to stay home with your kids.

It takes planning, forethought, knowing what you want, from the beginning. Having a solid family is a commendable goal. So is being a good mom. So is being a domestic engineer. So is having an education for the sake of having knowledge and being well read, and well informed. Plus, it is something one can fall back on in case of unforeseen tragic events, like the loss of a spouse.

[RiffRandell]

19. Thanks.

When our son was born we thought I would have to go back to work. It took juggling finances to make it work.

I agree about something to fall back on....when I was pregnant with her my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 head and neck cancer.

That was a nightmare....but he's 6 years in remission.

[HappyMe]

8. She's only 7.

She still has plenty of time to change her mind. She may still become a scientist.

I think it's sweet that she loves and admires you that much. Whatever path a child chooses in life should be one that makes them happy and fulfilled. Brain surgeon, chemical engineer or stay at home mom - the choice is her's.

[RiffRandell]

20. Thanks!

Last edited Sat Apr 20, 2013, 06:39 AM - Edit history (1)

I really just think it's her age but there is nothing wrong with that. She is very sweet...both my kids are (not to brag); my mother always tells me I never give myself enough credit as a mother.

My husband was traveling about 5 days a week and sometimes 2 weeks at a time internationally until about 2 years ago so it was just me. I must have done something right.

[lumberjack_jeff]

14. Heh. I don't think so.

My story: After working in a variety of careers for about 20 years, my youngest child was diagnosed with Autism. This, combined with a layoff, made us decide that it would be best if I stayed home with him.

Fast forward 10 years. My eldest child is engaged to be married and having trouble finding and holding work. He tells his fiancee that he plans to stay home like dad did.

It wasn't well received.

Every kid wants to find an angle that allows a high-bling lifestyle without stress or work, and from the outside looking in, stay at home parenting looks like a pretty good gig.

My advice? Teach her to do the dishes and laundry. Being a scientist will look better and better by comparison.

[RiffRandell]

21. Funny!

Last edited Sat Apr 20, 2013, 07:07 AM - Edit history (1)

I thought I hit the jackpot when I didn't have to go back to work. Boy, was I wrong. I feel fortunate that I was able to, but it's no picnic.

Sorry about your son.

[RiffRandell]

22. I'm not agreeing with Warren just to agree with Warren

but his question was the exact thing I was thinking when I read your reply.

At 7 I'm not going to sit her down and give her an hour lecture on other careers and what colleges she should aspire to go to.

What's the teaching moment?

[HappyMe]

25. I'm also interested in what the 'teaching moment' is.

You are right about lecturing a 7 year old. Little kids change their minds a bunch about what they want to do when they grow up. Hell, even if a kid is in college they change their majors.

I don't think any person that stays home with the kids should be made to feel bad. Whether that person is 25 or 45. It's a decision that is up to each person/couple. If others choose to denigrate that choice, then that's on them. It isn't their decision, nor is it their life.

[RiffRandell]

26. Thanks HappyMe.

You are a very kind and intelligent person.

[HappyMe]

27. As are you.

[HappyMe]

32. Ah! Of course.

I didn't see the reply. So I suppose I am forever spared.

[HappyMe]

34. Oh yeah!

Now I remember.
I haven't listened to them for quite awhile. I may have to revisit their music.

[Sissyk]

16. No.

It means she is being raised by a wonderful, kind, loving and strong woman that she looks up to.

[RiffRandell]

24. Thanks...that's really nice.

I'm not perfect, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job. She has a great Dad, too.

[RiffRandell]

36. Ah, that one.

Don't call it a "job"....somehow I missed that discussion which is probably a good thing.

Thanks for acknowledging the difficulty and respect.

My own kids even acknowledge it. A few years ago I was considering going back to work and my son said "Mom you do work" which I thought was pretty damn cool.

[RiffRandell]

39. Are you implying that a stay at home mother isn't a meaningful job?

Last edited Sat Apr 20, 2013, 10:25 AM - Edit history (1)

I appreciate your response and the fact that you did find my last sentence funny (as it is) but that's how it came across.

Not being defensive, but I actually encouraged her towards other things in my OP.

What careers can be defined as meaningful? I am happy and supportive to my husband as he loves his job, which I suppose could be considered meaningful to those that enjoy television and the internet.

We don't eat fast food, but I respect people that work at those places trying to earn a living. A young deaf man was killed last week by a drunk driver riding his bicycle to BK where he worked....when I saw the story on the news it made me cry.

I want my children to be good, happy people. Currently, they are.

[RiffRandell]

42. Wow.

I think it's pretty clear what I said and what my point was.

I never said I wanted her to work at BK. The fact that you don't consider being a stay at home parent a job is insulting.

It seems you want to pick a fight with me over my lifestyle which I don't need to defend to anyone.

[RiffRandell]

44. You brought up meaningful careers.

Last edited Sat Apr 20, 2013, 10:28 AM - Edit history (1)

Perhaps that young man's job was meaningful to him. Perhaps he had far less education but better morals than Bernie Madoff.

I don't object for anyone (male or female) to be dependent on someone else. Because I do not financially contribute to our household, you probably assume I'm dependent on my husband. That's our business.

It's obvious you want to battle me on this issue, but I must go put on my apron and teach my daughter to bake cookies and knit.

Fyi, my husband bakes the best cookies from scratch in our house and I don't know how to knit, but I wish I did. I think it's pretty cool.

[RiffRandell]

53. If you knew me in RL you would find out pretty damn quick I don't

"suck up" to anyone.

I opted about posting it in GD, but thought it might start a flame war or be considered flame bait.

I'm an honest enough person to admit I find more commonality with this gender group than others. That's not to say I agree nor disagree with everything posted here or in other gender groups.

The subject of my OP was first discussed with my husband. He chuckled and said "she's a smart kid; she's going to be fine."

If I don't want to hear an opinion, I'm not going to ask for one.

[RiffRandell]

59. I'm not advocating for you to be blocked nor do I believe you will.

Which is just one answer to your question posed to me as to why I prefer this group over others.

[In_The_Wind]

40. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Your answers were spot_on.

[Major Nikon]

45. I tend not to filter my behavior through some sort of patriarchal conspiracy theorists' mindset

I have a son and a daughter. I bought gifts for each of them last month. I got my son an air compressor and my daughter a natural pearl necklace. Was that sexist? Taken on its face, perhaps. Was I concerned about it? Not really.