Men's Group
Related: About this forumLast night I walked a drunk girl home...
This will sound sort of like a Penthouse letter, but it really happened last night.
I was throwing out the garbage and about to walk back in the house when a drunk girl comes stumbling down our alley -she was weaving back and forth a lot. There had been a festival that night with lots of drinking.
We live on a small island and the "streets" are more like very narrow alleys.
Anyway, I asked her if she was okay and she said not really. I think it was her that asked if I could walk her home.
She was so drunk that she really needed some support, so I took her by the hand and walked her back to her house about 3/4 of a mile away. On the way, she was upset about something, apologizing for making me go to the trouble, saying how nice I was, on and on...like a drunk-ish person.
On the 20 min. walk, we talked -where she was from, etc. I got her name, she asked what I was doing on this little island, etc.
Halfway there, she said she needed to take a break, so asked if I would sit and have a cigarette with her. I found a nearby bench and we sat --it turned out she didn't even have cigarettes so it made it pretty obvious she was hitting me, especially after we sat down and she put her head against me and sort of leaned over close to my lap and looked up at me. She was upset about something to do with how her sister was cuter than her... kind of insecure and crying a lot. I comforted her by telling her that she was attractive and that we all have our little insecurities, etc. --AND I IGNORED her clear attempts to offer herself up to me. She was 33 and I am 46 and I would be lying if I didn't say I was tempted. She was tall and slim and looking pretty good I must say.
Anyway, I walked her back to her house and she hugged me several times and then surprised me with a kiss right on the mouth. Wow. I gotta say it has been a while since I had something dropped in my lap like that... but I totally resisted the temptation and left her at the doorstep and walked home like a champ and a gentlemen having done the right thing by doing nothing. Also, I left her feeling better and did my best to cheer her up. I was warm and kind and did all the right things.
My head was up high and I was proud of myself. Had great sex with the wife after I got home (as we often do) but I have to still admit that I wish I could have cloned myself and let my bad self do what IT wanted to do while my good self did what I wound up doing.
It was such an unusual experience on this little island for me, a 46 year old short guy who hasn't exactly felt very sexy since I put on 20 pounds in the last 3 years. But I wanted to share here, in a way to say to the lurking women folk, we're not all rapists and yes, sometimes we DO do the right thing (in fact, maybe MOST of us do, who knows?)
SnohoDem
(1,036 posts)and I mean that in the best way.
Similar things have happened to myself and many other people.
We're trained to look at a situation like this in a sexual way, but I think it's more than that. Good people don't take advantage of others when they are in a weakened position. If she'd been a drunk salaryman, would you have walked him home and stolen his wallet?
You did good. You acted like a human being.
redqueen
(115,164 posts)Did you happen to mention, before you took the drunk 30-year-old "girl's" hand, that you were married?
Maybe she didn't care, in her drunkenness, and the overly familiar behavior would have occurred either way. Then again, maybe not.
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)And no, I did not mention it then. It came up during the walk though -before the overly familiar behavior.
Warren DeMontague
(80,708 posts)Whatever it is, you're doing it wrong.
Just remember that.
But you'll even do that wrong.
ProudToBeBlueInRhody
(16,399 posts)That's sexism.
(According to some here)
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)But since her upper arm would have been more familiar and intimate, I took her hand.
ProudToBeBlueInRhody
(16,399 posts)I don't see the upper arm as more intimate than the hand, especially if you link your arm around it, but who knows?
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)You might touch the woman's breast.
I rest my case.
ProudToBeBlueInRhody
(16,399 posts)....but if you offer your arm first and hands locked to your hip, and she wraps around it, it sort of negates that.
Sure, it puts you closer together body wise, but I'm thinking about the actual steadiness of guiding her along. Also palm to palm touch I find pretty intimate. But again, I suppose it's all perspective. Crap, see why this stuff can be difficult?
discntnt_irny_srcsm
(18,566 posts)...for an actual university level minor program, this topic could well merit a 3 course topic series in today's politically correct world.
I foresee a 101 level survey course with elements of ethics and social responsibility covered; also, a pair of 201-202 courses (4 credits each) including a lab.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)redqueen
(115,164 posts)Or whether they weren't set to begin with.
Seemed fairly simple to me.
I'm curious about how many married men are so tempted to betray their wives that they wish they could clone themselves so they could go fuck around. Not too many men here seem at all bothered by the idea...
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)otherwise we can assume none exist?
Somehow I don't think you'd blame a woman for being kissed on the mouth by a drunk guy if she failed to tell him not to in advance.
The assumption is no sexual contact. You have to give permission before it is acceptable.
Right?
I'm curious about how many married men are so tempted to betray their wives that they wish they could clone themselves so they could go fuck around. Not too many men here seem at all bothered by the idea...
Woman gets drunk, sexually objectifies a man, takes as her "right" intimate contact without permission and clearly it's . . . the men who are disgusting pigs who are in the wrong.
/being able to act as you please and always blame men is an example of female privilege is it not? If a man get's drunk and takes advantage of a woman that is at the very least assault.
redqueen
(115,164 posts)I don't assume he wants to exchange business cards.
Dial back the selective outrage. I didn't say shit about "disgusting pigs", that's your defensiveness / compulsive strawmanning.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)what did he do wrong?
Also do you perceive that she was in any way in the wrong? Or did he ask for it by leading her on?
Consider the same scenario with the genders reversed. Where would you outrage lie?
redqueen
(115,164 posts)For a misunderstanding? I don't even know if it was one. She knew he was married and threw herself at him, that is scummy behavior, so obviously if that's the "blame" you're looking for, there it is. It's on her. There. Happy?
You really ought to consider that not all situations lend themselves to neat little 'one person gets all the blame' conclusions.
Also just to help you out, the issue of patriarchy and blaming it is not about individuals. It's a macro level concept.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)he had mentioned in advance that he was married.
Really that shouldn't matter as she shouldn't assume she has sexual access to his body without his explicit permission. Is that correct?
So by bringing it up you are implying that is a qualifying factor. Meaning that he bears some of the blame for not "establishing boundaries".
I'm surprised you didn't ask how he was dressed . . .
/you really don't like being held to the same standard do you? If the genders were reversed and anyone had argued as you have you'd label them a rape-apologist.
redqueen
(115,164 posts)Yes, hugs (which obviously were not rejected) and a kiss on the mouth (which its safe to assume was also not rejected), after he allowed her to rest her head on him, is JUST LIKE BEING RAPED.
What a waste of time...
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)you wouldn't have any standards at all.
Thanks for femsplaining why it's ok when the genders are one way but not the other.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)he does the same. mere consideration. what if one of us went looking for the other, and the person was nowhere around. it would be an unnecessary inconvenience, so we would just let the other know out of respect, thoughtfulness.
almost a mile walk, with rest points is working on an hour. i cannot imagine my hubby would just take off with a drunk women. sorry, our relationship in no way works that way.
forget about me as a wife.
firstly, hubby would suggest taking the car, not to waste his time.
second, he would yell out so i knew what was up.... so there is no misunderstanding (as i would for him)
third, he wouldnt want to be alone with a drunk women for his own safety. both with me, and any possibility of false accusation.
there is nothing in this story that makes sense.
probably, in our home, he would come to me, tell me the situation, and ask me to drive her home. and i would.
no, my husband would not be happy if a strange drunk man was walking by and i took off with him for an hour, thought about fucking him and came home and fucked him instead. he would not be patting me on the back, lol.
but then, all marriages are different.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)I was really waiting for someone to make the argument that the OP was a scumbag for doing this.
Took long enough.
No matter what the scenario the answer is always the same: men are wrong.
redqueen
(115,164 posts)Get off the cross already.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)and did not want someone to answer your question?
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)on what I assumed about yall.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)i asked hubby to read the OP and then read my reply. and give me his opinion. i told him i spoke for him, and i wanted to hear what he thought.
it was interesting. illuminating. and helped me to see it a bit differently. we almost always arrive at the same place. which makes life a hell of a lot easier. and we almost always arrive at that same place in a different manner.
BUT...
when he read the OP he said, ok, he did the right thing. made sure she got home safely. that was about it.
when he read my post, he said, ya, you are right. good point. yes, i would have done that. true that. hadnt thought about that.
when we discussed it he said that he was not picking up on it the same as i, but he gets what i was saying. his reading of it was more .... shallow. so, that helped me to understand why there are people on this thread answering as they are.
i get it.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)to agree with you. That's not really proof of anything.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)caricature of the weak husband that toes the line. he has never been fond of that societal conditioning.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)he had an opinion, you told him he was wrong, he changed his opinion to match yours.
I won't comment on your relationship in general as I know nothing about it. I'm just describing what you wrote.
Flip the genders: a man is commenting on the actions of a woman which he deems inappropriate. He asks his wife to confirm. She dares have her own differing opinion. He tells her why she is wrong. She reconsiders and agrees with him that the woman in this scenario was wrong.
What are your thoughts on that? Proud independent wife who doesn't need a man to tell her what to think?
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)i had not thought of (and happily admitted to), and taught me something new, i did the same. no more. but again, you choose to create it in a male caricature that most of us would argue against.
bye.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)but he changed his opinion and you held fast to yours.
Sure.
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)on the posts in this thread. change, change.
not good enough for you? wow. we like win win win in our house. we do not need to create a winner and loser. but.... i will not interact with you again. how you portray my husband is really offensive.
this would be another example of me standing up for men. and a mans need to fight it. why do you want to create him into something weak? what is in it for you?
i dont need an answer. i am done.
4th law of robotics
(6,801 posts)perhaps you should work on how you portray your relationship to others.
How is telling men they're wrong and shallow in their thinking "standing up for them"?
You tried your best to femsplain (thanks for that) but you just don't get it.
Major Nikon
(36,899 posts)Things are a lot different these days and when you see someone you think is drunk, you really don't know what they are on. I avoid people who appear severely intoxicated like the plague because you just don't know what they are capable of doing. I probably would have called her a cab and I wouldn't have even minded paying the cab fare just for the peace of mind of that person making it home OK.
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)I am on a tiny island in Japan. We don't even have a single traffic light, let alone a taxi.
Major Nikon
(36,899 posts)Bonobo
(29,257 posts)Major Nikon
(36,899 posts)It's not as if drugs haven't always been around, but many of the drugs today can cause people to be extremely violent for no reason. Even many of the newer prescription drugs have been linked to violence. A guy I work with had to stop taking Chantix because he said it made him want to kill somebody. Add alcohol to those and things can get really exciting. It might be irrational fear, but I just don't go to bars anymore. There's just too many idiots out there and around here many of them are armed.
ZenLefty
(20,924 posts)You did the right thing, amigo.
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)Send me a PM with your island name and I'll send you mine!
ZenLefty
(20,924 posts)Not a traffic light among us. And not dissimilar to the small islands of Japan. Indeed, I intend to make a nice traditional Japanese garden here.
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)They visit us each year along with kids from both Orcas and San Juan Island!
lumberjack_jeff
(33,224 posts)You're a guy. When she walked past your porch, the first thought that sprung to mind was the penthouse letter syndrome.
It was a personal challenge to accept the dare, and see how close to the line you could get without crossing.
Unfortunately, our line and our significant other's line may not be in the same place.
I'm not going to judge where the line is in your relationship, but I'm pretty sure without asking that this would have crossed my wife's line.
IMHO, It's all good. You did what made you feel good, noble and happy without picking up any lasting problems or hurting anyone you care about. I'm no angel and I'm not authorized to judge... but is it praiseworthy?