Welcome to DU! The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards. Join the community: Create a free account Support DU (and get rid of ads!): Become a Star Member Latest Breaking News Editorials & Other Articles General Discussion The DU Lounge All Forums Issue Forums Culture Forums Alliance Forums Region Forums Support Forums Help & Search

Bonobo

(29,257 posts)
Wed Aug 15, 2012, 12:29 AM Aug 2012

Last night I walked a drunk girl home...

This will sound sort of like a Penthouse letter, but it really happened last night.
I was throwing out the garbage and about to walk back in the house when a drunk girl comes stumbling down our alley -she was weaving back and forth a lot. There had been a festival that night with lots of drinking.
We live on a small island and the "streets" are more like very narrow alleys.
Anyway, I asked her if she was okay and she said not really. I think it was her that asked if I could walk her home.

She was so drunk that she really needed some support, so I took her by the hand and walked her back to her house about 3/4 of a mile away. On the way, she was upset about something, apologizing for making me go to the trouble, saying how nice I was, on and on...like a drunk-ish person.
On the 20 min. walk, we talked -where she was from, etc. I got her name, she asked what I was doing on this little island, etc.

Halfway there, she said she needed to take a break, so asked if I would sit and have a cigarette with her. I found a nearby bench and we sat --it turned out she didn't even have cigarettes so it made it pretty obvious she was hitting me, especially after we sat down and she put her head against me and sort of leaned over close to my lap and looked up at me. She was upset about something to do with how her sister was cuter than her... kind of insecure and crying a lot. I comforted her by telling her that she was attractive and that we all have our little insecurities, etc. --AND I IGNORED her clear attempts to offer herself up to me. She was 33 and I am 46 and I would be lying if I didn't say I was tempted. She was tall and slim and looking pretty good I must say.

Anyway, I walked her back to her house and she hugged me several times and then surprised me with a kiss right on the mouth. Wow. I gotta say it has been a while since I had something dropped in my lap like that... but I totally resisted the temptation and left her at the doorstep and walked home like a champ and a gentlemen having done the right thing by doing nothing. Also, I left her feeling better and did my best to cheer her up. I was warm and kind and did all the right things.

My head was up high and I was proud of myself. Had great sex with the wife after I got home (as we often do) but I have to still admit that I wish I could have cloned myself and let my bad self do what IT wanted to do while my good self did what I wound up doing.

It was such an unusual experience on this little island for me, a 46 year old short guy who hasn't exactly felt very sexy since I put on 20 pounds in the last 3 years. But I wanted to share here, in a way to say to the lurking women folk, we're not all rapists and yes, sometimes we DO do the right thing (in fact, maybe MOST of us do, who knows?)

42 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Last night I walked a drunk girl home... (Original Post) Bonobo Aug 2012 OP
It doesn't make you special, SnohoDem Aug 2012 #1
I'm curious... redqueen Aug 2012 #2
She needed my hand to walk. Bonobo Aug 2012 #3
You are a man, ergo, you're doing it wrong. Warren DeMontague Aug 2012 #9
If she were in fact a drunk man in need, you presumably wouldn't have taken his hand ProudToBeBlueInRhody Aug 2012 #14
I would have held his arm for certain. Bonobo Aug 2012 #15
Interesting ProudToBeBlueInRhody Aug 2012 #16
With the upper arm... Bonobo Aug 2012 #17
Yeah.... ProudToBeBlueInRhody Aug 2012 #18
While lacking sufficient depth... discntnt_irny_srcsm Aug 2012 #19
So you're saying he asked for it? 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #20
No, I was inquiring as to whether boundaries were ignored, redqueen Aug 2012 #21
So you have to verbally establish boundaries first 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #22
If a man approaches me in a dark alley at night... after a festival with lots of drinking... redqueen Aug 2012 #23
I'm just curious how you blame men for this 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #24
What blame are you talking about? redqueen Aug 2012 #25
You asked if: 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #26
LOL redqueen Aug 2012 #28
Well I suppose if it weren't for double standards 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #32
when i run up to the store, a 5 minute run, i let hubby know i am taking off seabeyond Aug 2012 #27
Ah good 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #29
Who said scumbag? Only you. redqueen Aug 2012 #30
then you are not looking for discussion. choose to put words out that were not said. seabeyond Aug 2012 #31
Just looking for a confirmation 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #33
you were wrong. but.... cause i am so fair and balanced seabeyond Aug 2012 #34
So . . . you convinced your husband 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #35
i will speak for hubby again. he would not be so thrilled for you to create him as the seabeyond Aug 2012 #36
But that's exactly what you described 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #37
no, it is not at all what i described. but, i am done playing. like he gave me a perspective seabeyond Aug 2012 #38
You both got new perspectives 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #39
lordy you just want to diss the hubby dont you. totally offensive. i changed my opinion seabeyond Aug 2012 #40
If you're coming across in a certain way 4th law of robotics Aug 2012 #41
You're braver than I am Major Nikon Aug 2012 #4
You would laugh if you knew where I lived. Bonobo Aug 2012 #5
I'm guessing not so much a drug problem either Major Nikon Aug 2012 #6
Correct. No chance. nt Bonobo Aug 2012 #7
Things are just different here these days Major Nikon Aug 2012 #8
I too live on a tiny island without traffic lights. ZenLefty Aug 2012 #10
Really? Now I'm, curious! Bonobo Aug 2012 #11
Orcas Island, Washington ZenLefty Aug 2012 #12
Come here next year with the other Orcas Islanders. Bonobo Aug 2012 #13
Guys tend to walk into temptation, like accepting a dare. lumberjack_jeff Aug 2012 #42

SnohoDem

(1,036 posts)
1. It doesn't make you special,
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 04:03 AM
Aug 2012

and I mean that in the best way.

Similar things have happened to myself and many other people.

We're trained to look at a situation like this in a sexual way, but I think it's more than that. Good people don't take advantage of others when they are in a weakened position. If she'd been a drunk salaryman, would you have walked him home and stolen his wallet?

You did good. You acted like a human being.

redqueen

(115,164 posts)
2. I'm curious...
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 09:09 AM
Aug 2012

Did you happen to mention, before you took the drunk 30-year-old "girl's" hand, that you were married?

Maybe she didn't care, in her drunkenness, and the overly familiar behavior would have occurred either way. Then again, maybe not.

Bonobo

(29,257 posts)
3. She needed my hand to walk.
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 09:18 AM
Aug 2012

And no, I did not mention it then. It came up during the walk though -before the overly familiar behavior.

Warren DeMontague

(80,708 posts)
9. You are a man, ergo, you're doing it wrong.
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 10:08 PM
Aug 2012

Whatever it is, you're doing it wrong.

Just remember that.

But you'll even do that wrong.

ProudToBeBlueInRhody

(16,399 posts)
14. If she were in fact a drunk man in need, you presumably wouldn't have taken his hand
Mon Aug 20, 2012, 10:16 AM
Aug 2012

That's sexism.


(According to some here)

Bonobo

(29,257 posts)
15. I would have held his arm for certain.
Mon Aug 20, 2012, 10:25 AM
Aug 2012

But since her upper arm would have been more familiar and intimate, I took her hand.

ProudToBeBlueInRhody

(16,399 posts)
16. Interesting
Mon Aug 20, 2012, 10:32 AM
Aug 2012

I don't see the upper arm as more intimate than the hand, especially if you link your arm around it, but who knows?

ProudToBeBlueInRhody

(16,399 posts)
18. Yeah....
Mon Aug 20, 2012, 11:04 AM
Aug 2012

....but if you offer your arm first and hands locked to your hip, and she wraps around it, it sort of negates that.

Sure, it puts you closer together body wise, but I'm thinking about the actual steadiness of guiding her along. Also palm to palm touch I find pretty intimate. But again, I suppose it's all perspective. Crap, see why this stuff can be difficult?

discntnt_irny_srcsm

(18,566 posts)
19. While lacking sufficient depth...
Mon Aug 20, 2012, 02:52 PM
Aug 2012

...for an actual university level minor program, this topic could well merit a 3 course topic series in today's politically correct world.

I foresee a 101 level survey course with elements of ethics and social responsibility covered; also, a pair of 201-202 courses (4 credits each) including a lab.

redqueen

(115,164 posts)
21. No, I was inquiring as to whether boundaries were ignored,
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 11:52 AM
Aug 2012

Or whether they weren't set to begin with.

Seemed fairly simple to me.


I'm curious about how many married men are so tempted to betray their wives that they wish they could clone themselves so they could go fuck around. Not too many men here seem at all bothered by the idea...

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
22. So you have to verbally establish boundaries first
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 11:54 AM
Aug 2012

otherwise we can assume none exist?

Somehow I don't think you'd blame a woman for being kissed on the mouth by a drunk guy if she failed to tell him not to in advance.

The assumption is no sexual contact. You have to give permission before it is acceptable.

Right?

I'm curious about how many married men are so tempted to betray their wives that they wish they could clone themselves so they could go fuck around. Not too many men here seem at all bothered by the idea...


Woman gets drunk, sexually objectifies a man, takes as her "right" intimate contact without permission and clearly it's . . . the men who are disgusting pigs who are in the wrong.

/being able to act as you please and always blame men is an example of female privilege is it not? If a man get's drunk and takes advantage of a woman that is at the very least assault.

redqueen

(115,164 posts)
23. If a man approaches me in a dark alley at night... after a festival with lots of drinking...
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 11:59 AM
Aug 2012

I don't assume he wants to exchange business cards.

Dial back the selective outrage. I didn't say shit about "disgusting pigs", that's your defensiveness / compulsive strawmanning.

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
24. I'm just curious how you blame men for this
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:01 PM
Aug 2012

what did he do wrong?

Also do you perceive that she was in any way in the wrong? Or did he ask for it by leading her on?

Consider the same scenario with the genders reversed. Where would you outrage lie?

redqueen

(115,164 posts)
25. What blame are you talking about?
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:05 PM
Aug 2012

For a misunderstanding? I don't even know if it was one. She knew he was married and threw herself at him, that is scummy behavior, so obviously if that's the "blame" you're looking for, there it is. It's on her. There. Happy?

You really ought to consider that not all situations lend themselves to neat little 'one person gets all the blame' conclusions.

Also just to help you out, the issue of patriarchy and blaming it is not about individuals. It's a macro level concept.

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
26. You asked if:
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:08 PM
Aug 2012

he had mentioned in advance that he was married.

Really that shouldn't matter as she shouldn't assume she has sexual access to his body without his explicit permission. Is that correct?

So by bringing it up you are implying that is a qualifying factor. Meaning that he bears some of the blame for not "establishing boundaries".

I'm surprised you didn't ask how he was dressed . . .

/you really don't like being held to the same standard do you? If the genders were reversed and anyone had argued as you have you'd label them a rape-apologist.

redqueen

(115,164 posts)
28. LOL
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:14 PM
Aug 2012

Yes, hugs (which obviously were not rejected) and a kiss on the mouth (which its safe to assume was also not rejected), after he allowed her to rest her head on him, is JUST LIKE BEING RAPED.

What a waste of time...

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
32. Well I suppose if it weren't for double standards
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:18 PM
Aug 2012

you wouldn't have any standards at all.

Thanks for femsplaining why it's ok when the genders are one way but not the other.

 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
27. when i run up to the store, a 5 minute run, i let hubby know i am taking off
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:12 PM
Aug 2012

he does the same. mere consideration. what if one of us went looking for the other, and the person was nowhere around. it would be an unnecessary inconvenience, so we would just let the other know out of respect, thoughtfulness.

almost a mile walk, with rest points is working on an hour. i cannot imagine my hubby would just take off with a drunk women. sorry, our relationship in no way works that way.

forget about me as a wife.

firstly, hubby would suggest taking the car, not to waste his time.
second, he would yell out so i knew what was up.... so there is no misunderstanding (as i would for him)
third, he wouldnt want to be alone with a drunk women for his own safety. both with me, and any possibility of false accusation.

there is nothing in this story that makes sense.

probably, in our home, he would come to me, tell me the situation, and ask me to drive her home. and i would.

no, my husband would not be happy if a strange drunk man was walking by and i took off with him for an hour, thought about fucking him and came home and fucked him instead. he would not be patting me on the back, lol.

but then, all marriages are different.

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
29. Ah good
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:14 PM
Aug 2012

I was really waiting for someone to make the argument that the OP was a scumbag for doing this.

Took long enough.

No matter what the scenario the answer is always the same: men are wrong.

 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
31. then you are not looking for discussion. choose to put words out that were not said.
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:17 PM
Aug 2012

and did not want someone to answer your question?

 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
34. you were wrong. but.... cause i am so fair and balanced
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 12:49 PM
Aug 2012


i asked hubby to read the OP and then read my reply. and give me his opinion. i told him i spoke for him, and i wanted to hear what he thought.

it was interesting. illuminating. and helped me to see it a bit differently. we almost always arrive at the same place. which makes life a hell of a lot easier. and we almost always arrive at that same place in a different manner.

BUT...

when he read the OP he said, ok, he did the right thing. made sure she got home safely. that was about it.

when he read my post, he said, ya, you are right. good point. yes, i would have done that. true that. hadnt thought about that.

when we discussed it he said that he was not picking up on it the same as i, but he gets what i was saying. his reading of it was more .... shallow. so, that helped me to understand why there are people on this thread answering as they are.

i get it.
 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
36. i will speak for hubby again. he would not be so thrilled for you to create him as the
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 01:03 PM
Aug 2012

caricature of the weak husband that toes the line. he has never been fond of that societal conditioning.

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
37. But that's exactly what you described
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 01:07 PM
Aug 2012

he had an opinion, you told him he was wrong, he changed his opinion to match yours.

I won't comment on your relationship in general as I know nothing about it. I'm just describing what you wrote.

Flip the genders: a man is commenting on the actions of a woman which he deems inappropriate. He asks his wife to confirm. She dares have her own differing opinion. He tells her why she is wrong. She reconsiders and agrees with him that the woman in this scenario was wrong.

What are your thoughts on that? Proud independent wife who doesn't need a man to tell her what to think?

 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
38. no, it is not at all what i described. but, i am done playing. like he gave me a perspective
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 01:10 PM
Aug 2012

i had not thought of (and happily admitted to), and taught me something new, i did the same. no more. but again, you choose to create it in a male caricature that most of us would argue against.

bye.

 

seabeyond

(110,159 posts)
40. lordy you just want to diss the hubby dont you. totally offensive. i changed my opinion
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 01:19 PM
Aug 2012

on the posts in this thread. change, change.

not good enough for you? wow. we like win win win in our house. we do not need to create a winner and loser. but.... i will not interact with you again. how you portray my husband is really offensive.

this would be another example of me standing up for men. and a mans need to fight it. why do you want to create him into something weak? what is in it for you?

i dont need an answer. i am done.

 

4th law of robotics

(6,801 posts)
41. If you're coming across in a certain way
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 01:21 PM
Aug 2012

perhaps you should work on how you portray your relationship to others.

How is telling men they're wrong and shallow in their thinking "standing up for them"?

You tried your best to femsplain (thanks for that) but you just don't get it.

Major Nikon

(36,899 posts)
4. You're braver than I am
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 12:33 PM
Aug 2012

Things are a lot different these days and when you see someone you think is drunk, you really don't know what they are on. I avoid people who appear severely intoxicated like the plague because you just don't know what they are capable of doing. I probably would have called her a cab and I wouldn't have even minded paying the cab fare just for the peace of mind of that person making it home OK.

Bonobo

(29,257 posts)
5. You would laugh if you knew where I lived.
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 07:14 PM
Aug 2012

I am on a tiny island in Japan. We don't even have a single traffic light, let alone a taxi.

Major Nikon

(36,899 posts)
8. Things are just different here these days
Sat Aug 18, 2012, 09:27 PM
Aug 2012

It's not as if drugs haven't always been around, but many of the drugs today can cause people to be extremely violent for no reason. Even many of the newer prescription drugs have been linked to violence. A guy I work with had to stop taking Chantix because he said it made him want to kill somebody. Add alcohol to those and things can get really exciting. It might be irrational fear, but I just don't go to bars anymore. There's just too many idiots out there and around here many of them are armed.

ZenLefty

(20,924 posts)
12. Orcas Island, Washington
Sun Aug 19, 2012, 03:08 AM
Aug 2012

Not a traffic light among us. And not dissimilar to the small islands of Japan. Indeed, I intend to make a nice traditional Japanese garden here.

Bonobo

(29,257 posts)
13. Come here next year with the other Orcas Islanders.
Sun Aug 19, 2012, 06:31 AM
Aug 2012

They visit us each year along with kids from both Orcas and San Juan Island!

 

lumberjack_jeff

(33,224 posts)
42. Guys tend to walk into temptation, like accepting a dare.
Tue Aug 21, 2012, 05:23 PM
Aug 2012

You're a guy. When she walked past your porch, the first thought that sprung to mind was the penthouse letter syndrome.

It was a personal challenge to accept the dare, and see how close to the line you could get without crossing.

Unfortunately, our line and our significant other's line may not be in the same place.

I'm not going to judge where the line is in your relationship, but I'm pretty sure without asking that this would have crossed my wife's line.

IMHO, It's all good. You did what made you feel good, noble and happy without picking up any lasting problems or hurting anyone you care about. I'm no angel and I'm not authorized to judge... but is it praiseworthy?

Latest Discussions»Retired Forums»Men's Group»Last night I walked a dru...