How to Talk to Little Girls

[Blue_Adept]

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.

Link

Definitely useful for all adults when talking with kids. I'd be curious to see what kind of things need to be dealt with when talking/interacting with young boys as well in how we shape them the wrong way.

[enough]

1. Such an important point, not sure why it's in the men's group.

Women need to learn this too. It took me a long time to realize I was doing this to little girls, mentioning their clothes and their cuteness first thing. It's hard to change because they ARE so cute.

Anyway, I've had to work on this over the years, even with my own kids, and I'm a woman.

I'm reminded of the time a few years ago when I stopped at an Amish stand nearby for some produce. The young girl who was working there had the most beautiful long braids. As part of an ongoing friendly conversation with her and her mother, I said something like, "oh I love your beautiful braids." Her mother gave me an absolutely withering dirty look and clammed up immediately, no more conversation. I realized to my chagrin I had broken protocol by complimenting the child on her looks.

[Blue_Adept]

2. Well...

I figured this would be an interesting place to discuss it as we can talk beyond just how to talk to girls but boys as well, and from the mens point of view. The article is from a woman's point of view but rather than put it out in general where it'd get eaten up as part of the gender wars, I figured this would be better.

[lumberjack_jeff]

12. I think that dads will be the first to agree with this.

It's generally not dads who are dragging their daughters to toddler beauty pageants.

[TM99]

3. I definitely do not disagree with what she proposes.

After all, many healthy messages of affirmation for beauty, kindness, intellect, etc. should be given to all children.

But something else is wrong, and I see it as overall excessive permissiveness and parents trying to be 'friends' with their children as opposed to actually being adults modeling good boundaries for their children. Giving positive messages is only one part of the equation. Saying no is the other which seems to be sorely missing today.

Little boys and little girls have been told various culturally specific gender messages for decades. Why now are five year old's dieting? What parent is allowing such behavior? Why now are 17 year old's getting more and more breast augmentation surgeries? What parent is allowing this to occur? Why have older adults allowed the message to be sent to all, not just young women, that wrinkles are 'bad' and that botox is A-OK?

These are choices that adults are making beyond telling their daughter that she looks cute in her pink church dress or their son that he looks adorable in his Spiderman footie pajamas.

[Major Nikon]

4. Some of the girls my daughter goes to school with are already having surgical augmentations

What we've noticed is that it's often the mother that has done work first. I think what happens is that often the mother is living vicariously through the daughter much in the same way fathers live vicariously through their sons with sports.

[TM99]

5. I know I am going to sound horribly old-fashioned

and I still find this just wrong.

I counseled two teen women this week who have eating disorders. During family counseling sessions, both sets of parents could not understand how or why this was occurring. Both sets of parents had allowed both teens to get surgical augmentations at ages 14 and 15 respectively.

[Major Nikon]

6. I don't understand it

I guess people have to figure out for themselves what is right or wrong, but it certainly seems wrong to me.

[TM99]

7. Some never do no matter what their age.

[lumberjack_jeff]

13. Agree. n/t

[Behind the Aegis]

8. Just say "NO!"

You make an important statement in saying too many parents are trying to be their kids "friend." Discipline is something sorely lacking today. People go from one extreme (beating a child) to the other (doing nothing at all, or very little). We end up with a bunch of narcissistic, self-entitled, pompous, little shit-heads. My nephew is a prime example. He is a fussy eater, so much so, he will only eat pizza, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers. My brother and his wife allow it. This past Thanksgiving we ordered pizza with hamburger on it. He refused to eat it because it had hamburger on it! My brother scolded him about being so picky, then promptly pulled all the hamburger meat off.

As for looking good, there is a fine line between building self-esteem and creating a monster. Children, as well as adults, get too many messages about how we should look, and if we don't, then something is wrong with us or we won't attract the right type of mate. For me, I can be quite vain. It has hurt me. I destroyed a good portion of my enamel on my teeth from years of bulimia. It has also caused GERD. Now, I have been putting on extra pounds and I refuse to look in a mirror, I won't leave the house without my head covered (thinning hair), and I wear clothes that make it next to impossible to tell if I am fat or not. This wasn't anything my parents did, it was something I did to myself, but if parents reinforce it, it really can makes things much worse.

Sometimes, it is OK just to be "normal" or "average," whatever that may be. Like you, I agree there are choices parents (and other adults) should be making in order to build up their child in a positive, but realistic way.

[TM99]

11. I see that permissiveness to the extreme

not only professionally but personally. My 7 year old nephew sounds exactly like yours. I visited my family for an extended trip just last fall, and I spent a great deal of time with him. He could not sit still without an iPad or PSP. He was absolutely weird about food. He had no boundaries. He was horribly inappropriate.

Self-esteem, in my opinion, must take into account our bodies not just our minds. Feeling and looking good are not 'bad' in and of themselves. Taken to either extreme again, well, yes, it does lead to eating disorders and the like.

I definitely agree that normal is just fine. We can't all be 'special' and by pushing that unhealthy ideal, we increase the psychological stress we place on children today.

[libodem]

9. Talk to them so they grow up like this:

[img][/img]

[Warren DeMontague]

10. Good advice for talking to ALL kids: Don't talk to them like they're idiots.

I can remember that distinctly from my own childhood: Thinking "Hey, buddy, I'm a kid, that doesn't mean I'm a moron"