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Kaleva

(38,064 posts)
Wed May 23, 2012, 10:06 PM May 2012

Relations with the ex-wife

I've already posted much of this in various OPs in the Lounge (is there a better place?)but I'll try and condense it here in one. Maybe other men who are divorced or separated may chime in with there experiences.

My wife and I had our ups and downs over the years and early this year she told me she wanted a divorce. Frankly, I wasn't happy with the situation I was in either and could see a big change was needed. Altough I argued for a separation rather then a divorce as there were many positives to our relationships.

The divorce was very amicable and there was no argument about division of property. She was to keep everything.

Most everything anyways. I got to keep the small house I had owned before we got married and where I am right now. She let me have a big screen tv, a chair and an old scooter which I use for transportation around town. She also gave me some old pots and pans, a package of toilet paper, some cans of soup, a toilet brush and plunger.

I didn't argue about anything 'cause I felt our relationship really wasn't over and if I did argue, then it might end up being over for good.

Right after the divorce and even before, as I had moved out a month before the divorce was final, we'd talk almost every day and see each other every two to three days. She'd stop by to see how I was doing (she had the van while I just have the scooter), sometimes bringing me a cooked dinner. Today I spent much of the day at her place where we had a some afternoon delight, and then did some yard work before eating dinner. I returned back to my place with the van so I can go back tomorrow.

A couple of weeks ago she said it was a big mistake for us to get divorced and she should have listened to me and just got a separation instead. We still wear our wedding rings and she's going to keep my name altough she had the right, as part of the divorce settlement, to go back to her name. She also doesn't want me to take my name off of the house 'cause she says it's just as much my home as it is hers even though I don't live there.

While no longer legally married, we are still pretty much the couple. And our living apart seems to be working out rather fine. She has the house and I have my furnished man-cave. I can spend as much time here at DU as I want. And wear nothing but a t-shirt and boxer shorts while logged in. She can do her thing.

But we also found that we need each other. We really miss each other if even just a day goes by when we at least don't talk on the phone.

26 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Relations with the ex-wife (Original Post) Kaleva May 2012 OP
I had a divorce like that. Betsy Ross May 2012 #1
I believe it's quite okay for women to post here! Kaleva May 2012 #2
+1 jorno67 May 2012 #8
Maybe this can help you both get on the same page rocktivity May 2012 #3
There isn't any easy answer. HappyMe May 2012 #4
There were only three issues with my ex wife. ZenLefty May 2012 #5
I had a similar situation MadrasT May 2012 #6
That's what I've heard from others. A traditional marriage doesn't work for everyone. Kaleva May 2012 #11
Sounds like you were right about the separation. jorno67 May 2012 #7
I just want to correct a point here. noamnety May 2012 #9
No kids? lumberjack_jeff May 2012 #10
The kids are hers. Her 1st husband died young. Kaleva May 2012 #12
Seconded 4th law of robotics May 2012 #23
it`s an interesting situation. opiate69 May 2012 #13
This message was self-deleted by its author jp11 May 2012 #14
A few weeks back... discntnt_irny_srcsm May 2012 #15
We talked about getting re-married but there's a financial penalty to that. Kaleva May 2012 #17
IMHO... discntnt_irny_srcsm May 2012 #18
that's a very sweet story. i hope it remains this way La Lioness Priyanka May 2012 #16
I read you uneditied post. Kaleva May 2012 #20
ok. so are more or less leaving with the same things you came in with? La Lioness Priyanka May 2012 #21
Pretty much yes. Kaleva May 2012 #22
Relationships are complex. People are complex. We are fascinating, contradictory, FUNNY animals. Warren DeMontague May 2012 #19
This message was self-deleted by its author eek MD May 2012 #24
My ex and I divorced as well as possible Gore1FL May 2012 #25
Funny how that works. Warren DeMontague Jun 2012 #26

Betsy Ross

(3,149 posts)
1. I had a divorce like that.
Wed May 23, 2012, 10:25 PM
May 2012

The relationship did end, but I got a letter from him a few years ago asking if I was single. (Is it ok for women to post in this group?)

HappyMe

(20,277 posts)
4. There isn't any easy answer.
Thu May 24, 2012, 08:05 AM
May 2012

It sounds like the arrangement you have now is working fine. I wouldn't rush back into a living together situation.

My divorce was amicable, but not that amicable. I was glad to be rid of all of the hassle. He got remarried 2 months later. For me, after all the stress was over, and that intoxicating breath of freedom was gone - I was alone. That is scary. I wasn't a fresh young chickie ready to date. I was afraid to get out there, get involved again. Basically, I was toast. When I was ready, I met someone and we fell in love. We have been together 3+ years. I'm happy as hell.
It wasn't always easy with my current love. When we first moved in together, his ex would call every damn day. For awhile I was cool with this. It got old. I kind of wondered -geez, what is going on here. I finally talked with him and asked if I should just bow out. I told him that I felt like there were 3 people in this relationship. I don't mind the occasional call, but this was too much. Long, boring story short - the calls stopped.

I thought I had a point when I started this. I don't know what anyone will get out of this but there it is.

ZenLefty

(20,924 posts)
5. There were only three issues with my ex wife.
Thu May 24, 2012, 08:32 AM
May 2012

She was a liar.

She was a thief.

She was a cheater.

If you could put up with those three little things, she was the perfect companion.

MadrasT

(7,237 posts)
6. I had a similar situation
Thu May 24, 2012, 09:19 AM
May 2012

I was married for 20 years. We lived in the same house the first 3 years and the last 3 years.

And the 14 years in between -- where we lived in completely different houses -- were the best.

It sounds like your relationship is working well right now. Some relationships do much better when people don't live under the same roof.

If it is working now, maybe just go with the flow and don't worry about if it is untraditional or unconventional.

Kaleva

(38,064 posts)
11. That's what I've heard from others. A traditional marriage doesn't work for everyone.
Thu May 24, 2012, 10:27 AM
May 2012

That was from a therapist my ex used to see until rather recently to help deal with issues she had long before we met.

Some people find themselves miserable when they try to maintain a marriage that others expect them to have.

jorno67

(1,986 posts)
7. Sounds like you were right about the separation.
Thu May 24, 2012, 09:30 AM
May 2012

This guy that works for me did the exact same thing, except they had kids. Says he's happier in his marriage than ever before but hates that they wasted so much money on lawyers.
I almost did the same thing. I wanted a divorce - she had some texting/facebook relationships that were not acceptable - She talked me into a separation which agreed to mainly because of the kids. We're now going to couples therapy which I like - didn't think I would at all. We have a long way to go but I would say a divorce would have been a waste.
Sorry for my ramble...Just wanted to say Enjoy what you got going on...Maybe you needed that time apart.

 

noamnety

(20,234 posts)
9. I just want to correct a point here.
Thu May 24, 2012, 09:49 AM
May 2012

People have the right to change their name at their will. The state will do it without charge if it's due to marriage or divorce, but it's not a right she got as part of a divorce settlement. She doesn't need consent from you for that. I'm bringing it up because there might be some underlying issues wrapped up in that assumption that need to be addressed.

 

lumberjack_jeff

(33,224 posts)
10. No kids?
Thu May 24, 2012, 10:03 AM
May 2012

If not, it wasn't a mistake to get divorced. Now you can acquire some belongings of your own like perhaps a couple more cans of soup, without them becoming her belongings.

But hey, whatever works for you. I'm sure some relationships are better without the expectation of exclusivity.

One piece of advice: consider what happens if she gets pregnant. If you want to be a father, then try to find a woman who won't mind living with you. If not, investigate vasectomy.

Kaleva

(38,064 posts)
12. The kids are hers. Her 1st husband died young.
Thu May 24, 2012, 10:28 AM
May 2012

Two are out of the house now and the third is close to it.

 

opiate69

(10,129 posts)
13. it`s an interesting situation.
Thu May 24, 2012, 11:41 AM
May 2012

The one important thing I`ve learned from exploring the bdsm lifestyle/community for the past couple years is, there really is no universal "right" dynamic for relationships. I think we get so conditioned to buy into the "traditional" narrative - you`ll meet someone, fall in love, get married, buy a house, have a couple kids, get a chocolate labrador, and everything will be cool" that so many of us just never think to question whether that`s what we really want.
There`s probably a million reasons why couple shouldn`t live together, particularly if they`re a little older - as your step kids` ages suggest. Ultimately, the current dynamic seems to be working for you both, and I don`t see any reason it can`t be every bit as legitimate and fulfilling as any couple who does cohabitate.

Response to Kaleva (Original post)

discntnt_irny_srcsm

(18,569 posts)
15. A few weeks back...
Thu May 24, 2012, 03:27 PM
May 2012

...I posted a poll asking for opinions on an idea that was universally hated. < http://www.democraticunderground.com/1002679821 >

As an outgrowth of that idea regarding divorce, I had thought that often there are probably folks who don't really need a "complete" divorce. There are many aspects of marriage and divorce. I think, occasionally this is more of a problem than a benefit.

Kaleva

(38,064 posts)
17. We talked about getting re-married but there's a financial penalty to that.
Thu May 24, 2012, 04:04 PM
May 2012

I'm on full disability now and she was already on that when we first met. Thus our income is set and limited. Being divorced, I'm now eligible for assistance I wasn't before because we had to include our combined income, including the SS her youngest child who is living at home is receiving, and assets which put me over the limit.

discntnt_irny_srcsm

(18,569 posts)
18. IMHO...
Thu May 24, 2012, 04:16 PM
May 2012

...some of these caps, limits and restrictions are among the unfair penalties related to marriage. Unfair benefits are also included with marriage like a lower tax rate for married couples but that doesn't matter for those with low incomes or on any kind of assistance.

Best luck always.

Kaleva

(38,064 posts)
20. I read you uneditied post.
Thu May 24, 2012, 09:39 PM
May 2012

Good questions in there and I'll try and answer.

It's complicated.

I moved in with here when we got married as she had the bigger place. I told her before the marriage I had no interest in anything she had and if something were to happen to her, I'd see that her children would get equal shares and I'd just go back to my place with my personal belongings.

Some years go by and the divorce comes up. Now I could have put up a fight and asked for an equitable division because even my ex wife has said on numerous occasions that I put much into what we created together. Time and money. The house we have now, not the one we lived in when we first married, I put in many, many hours into it as we completely gutted it and remodeled it.

But I don't for a couple of reasons.

First, to do that would have probably destroyed any chance of us keeping in touch and working out the problems we do have and second, I said before we got married, the material things didn't matter much to me. Where ever she was was home. It could be a very nice home which she has now or a run down trailer.

 

La Lioness Priyanka

(53,866 posts)
21. ok. so are more or less leaving with the same things you came in with?
Thu May 24, 2012, 10:09 PM
May 2012

that makes sense. my parents did that too

Kaleva

(38,064 posts)
22. Pretty much yes.
Thu May 24, 2012, 10:40 PM
May 2012

She got to keep what we built together. I'm fine with the house I had before we got married but all my other assets are long gone.

Warren DeMontague

(80,708 posts)
19. Relationships are complex. People are complex. We are fascinating, contradictory, FUNNY animals.
Thu May 24, 2012, 07:06 PM
May 2012

Before my wife and i got married, we had both spent a good chunk of our adult lives as either single or in serial monogamous relationships. We both also come from a generational demographic where we watched the parents of about half our peers (my family included, although as in so many things, we were slightly ahead of our time) go from beaver cleaver to "rhoda" in the space of about 8 years.

I believe that much of this had to do with members of our parents generation marrying too early, for the wrong reasons, and generally having ideas about marriage that made it difficult for them to exist inside it. My wife and i used to joke about the "institution" of marriage.. I mean, an institution is something people are always trying to escape from, insn't it?

I think our marriage is good, in part, because we did both have the time to develop separate identities beforehand, we went into it with realistic expectations and with both eyes open... And we had good ideas about each others space and how to try to reconcile living with each other and not encroaching on each other too much.

That's not to say we never fight.. God, no.. But i guess my point is, it would be harder i think if we had some external definition of "marriage" and what we both thought we needed to shoehorn ourselves into to comply with it.

Thats not saying thats what is going on with you guys, either. For all i know, the arrangement you're organically progressing towards right now may be exactly what's right for you guys. People have different ways of living and making things work, and that's cool.

Good luck!

Response to Kaleva (Original post)

Gore1FL

(21,825 posts)
25. My ex and I divorced as well as possible
Sat May 26, 2012, 04:28 PM
May 2012

I put my arm around her as we left the courtroom and we had a celebratory lunch together afterwards. She only ever freaked out after I dated again (long after she was in a long-term relationship.)

I used to see a lot more of her than I do now. But we aren't enemies by any stretch.

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