Is anyone else living with a spouse with dementia?

[Randomthought]

Would love to know how you cope.

[Easterncedar]

1. I did, but it was a phase of a fatal disease, so it was just a couple of years when it was awful

You cope by getting help, as much as you can. You have to, have to, look out for yourself. Caregivers can grind themselves to bits, and then things go really wrong.

I found an online support group, which was a life and sanity saver. Hospice, eventually.

And you grieve all the way.

So what’s going on with you both right now?

[Randomthought]

2. Just minor stuff

Water faucets left on . I watch the kitchen range like a hawk. He has messed up some finances but I now have power of attorney and he has agreed to not do anything with out talking tome or his sister. But I know it is getting worse.

[Rebl2]

8. We had

to turn the breaker off to the stove at my parents house. Not long after we had to move them to a nursing home. They both had dementia. Most difficult time in my life, but had my husband and sister to talk to. Think that helped me some.

[no_hypocrisy]

3. Tangential, but equally concerning.

My friend is 78+ and is married to a harridan and an Amazon Shop-A-Holic. The PRIME truck regularly stops at their house and there are piles of UNOPENED boxes in all their rooms.

The wife is getting something like $3,500 to $4,000 monthly between her pension and SS. But that's not enough.

She's gone as far as using HIS Social Security # and birthdate to get into his account via online bank to embezzle money that's needed to keep their home from being publicly auctioned for not paying municipal taxes -- and more.

What does this have to do with dementia?

For more than six years, his wife has purposely telling not only medical personnel, but also the Police, that he has dementia, only based on the fact that she's a retired registered nurse. (She was in the OR for her career and I can't imagine where she'd have learned about dementia.) She has zero training in psychology or psychiatry.

The worst thing you can claim about my friend is that he has so many keys that he misplaces them and because his wife is trying to prove that his "forgetfulness" proves that he has dementia, she's gone as far as hiding his cellphone. (Kinda like real-life Gaslight with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.)

And she does this in front of him and he just benignly smiles. He says he does this because it's all too silly, but it comes off like he agrees with her because he doesn't disagree or counter her assertions.

He's a victim of marital narcissistic abuse and he knows it, but he won't leave her.

And now, the seminal question of why does his wife try to get him labelled as "demented"? In hopes of going to court in the future to get Power of Attorney over his finances. What finances? As I referenced above, HE has no money, but he owns their house and property by way of marriage. For years, she's wanted to sell and move closer to their daughter in another state, but my friend refuses to sell and move. And you need both the consent of the husband and wife to sell. And she can keep and spend all the proceeds of the sale. (You were wondering why she won't divorce him. It's because with divorce, maybe the court will force the property to be sold and get half of the proceeds. If she gets Power of Attorney, she get ALL OF IT.)

You only need two physicians to go to court and assert that you have dementia and you are incapable of making any rational decisions. Your wife steps up and takes responsibility. Once the Judge has signed the Order that your spouse has Power of Attorney on your financial and legal affairs, the house can be sold by the spouse immediately.

Not only is this the height of embezzlement in a marriage, but it degrades people who are truly going through dementia and their loved ones who are doing their damnedest help them while keep THEIR sanity.

[Randomthought]

5. Just to ease your mind

My husband and I are very very comfortable financially. He has been diagnosed by a team of neurologists
I am watching every penny because I know what quality memory care costs.

[peasant one]

4. not spouse but mom

We have a large family and for two years shared the nights taking care of mom and in the day had people care for her. It was very wonderful but extremely hard, even for the two days a week I spent with her. You must get help and you must find someone close to you to talk it through. I felt love, guilt, anger, sadness, frustration, and fear-all in a matter of minutes. But had sisters and brothers to talk to about these feelings. It really helps. Good luck with your journey.

[Ziggysmom]

6. My husband died last week. He was in a memory care facility. He fell three times while there, and

I was told they would increase his level of care. On 2/7 he died after yet another fall causing a sub arachnoid hemorrhage in the brain. The facility didn’t even call me; I was contacted by the ER physician where they sent him.

I put him in care to keep him safe, he would wander and take off his oxygen, etc so I could barely sleep. I don’t mean to frighten you, some facilities are very good. If you decide on placement, check inspection records and complaints filed with your state. Pop in UNANNOUNCED for a tour.

My heart weeps for you and your beloved husband. If you have specific questions, feel free to DU mail me. I almost forgot. One most important thing is medication. It made a world of difference for my husband. See a good psychiatrist with dementia experience.

Hugs and prayers to you

[Randomthought]

7. Thank you

My friend was in a faculty before her death that wax very good and not far away but in the good ones there's a waiting list. We aren't there yet but I admit it's hard to watch a brilliant person deteriorate.

[Randomthought]

9. I so sorry

Getting calls from ER instead of care facility is just not acceptable