Am I a shit? Or what would you do? In the summer of 2023, my sister told us she had uterine cancer. We drove up to

[debm55]

Last edited Mon Oct 21, 2024, 09:24 PM - Edit history (1)

tp her home and took her for appointments, laparoscopy, I talked to the doctor and it was not a tumor the size of a grapefruit, but a polyp, We Rich and me, sent her cards, candy, balloons, flowers. I had a small can of ginger ale thrown at me by sister and a cookie spit at me. I sat there for 15 hours (travel and operation) in Pittsburgh. twenty miles each way. for over a month. I called and talked to her preoperation and post. The nursing home she works in collected 1000 dollars for her. She did not have cancer-no radiation or chemo, Fast forward this summer, Rich gets Malignant Prostrate Cancer and goes for 28 treatments and is now on hormone therapy with doctor visits and blood work. We found out in June. We got no cards, or calls. He got nothing. My sister's birthday is October 28. I have a card for her but I don't know if I should send it. When hearing about in June, I call and my mother tells me everyone dies, get over it. and my sister yells, "how am I going to get my check up. About three weeks ago, they called and were bitching because we never called and it was my fault for not calling. I hate to be mean and I trust you guys. should I send my sister a birthday card or continue to ignore them? I am confused and seek your help in helping me decide. Thank you , Love, Debbie. I will reply tomorrow.
as i take meds to help me sleep.

[DUgosh]

1. No birthday card

Ignore

[marble falls]

2. Do exactly what you need to do. Your only consideration is your husband and yourself ...

... Do not expect anything from them and keep yourself from being disappointed by them. Count on them for nothing.

[MLAA]

3. My 2 cents is no card no call. It's feels like at this point after all they've done it's your decision if you want

their abuse to continue. I think enough is enough. 💖💖💖💖

[Ocelot II]

4. Your family is abusive. If you expect them ever to change

and start treating you decently you will be disappointed, as you always have been so far. If I were in your shoes I'd cut them out of my life. Accept that nothing is going to change, so lift that weight from your heart by walking away from them.

[Upthevibe]

39. I agree with you 100%!

Ocelot II.........

I have a friend who keeps expecting her brother and mother to behave differently and they don't because it's who they are! She continues to get disappointed and frustrated.

If it were me, I wouldn't send the card...I leave abusive relationships (friendships - and there's only been a couple). I'm very fortunate that my one sibling who's still alive and I are very close (albeit long distance because she's in Chicago and I'm in Los Angeles.).

[onecaliberal]

5. If I were you, I would not send it.

You’ll be sending the message they can continue to mistreat you.
I have found peace in the distance.
You don’t deserve it.

[TommyT139]

6. Be who you are

It seems to me that you did all those wonderully supportive things because of who you are. She refrained from helping your family or wishing your husband well because of who and how she is.

If you would normally send a card for a family birthday, perhaps do that -- not because she has been an examplary family member, but rather because you might choose not to be lessened by her attitudes and choices.

That simple act may also have the side effects of leaving the door open for those family members who want to not take sides, and not giving her an excuse or "talking point."

Whatever your choice, be kind to yourself, as it sounds like you've had a very rough year.

[Niagara]

7. Your family is extremely toxic and exhaustingly abusive

Do yourself a favor and stop contact with them.
Save your money by not buying things for them.

They don't deserve you.

No one deserves to be treated the way they treat you.


Both you and Rich need to stay stress free to take care of each other.

Love you, Debbie.

[Joinfortmill]

8. First, you are very kind...

I can only speak for myself. No card, no nothing. Live your life and let them go.

If you can't do that, send the card, but keep your distance. They are unkind at best. You, on the other hand, are very kind. They will always hurt you.

[Lunabell]

9. You are NTA!!

I'm so sorry. Something similar happened with my family. My sister was hospitalized a few hundred miles away from me, but I called her several times. Sometimes two or three times in one day, depending on the tests they were running etc. Even told her to keep my share of the money from the sale of our mother's diamond ring to help pay her bills.

That summer, my wife of over 30 years had an emergency hospitalization for an infected gall bladder that was so bad they could not operate. She stayed in the hospital 3 weeks with sepsis, almost died. IV antibiotics and drains coming out of her abdomen. They sent her home with a drain and oral antibiotics to heal enough to remove her gall bladder. My family all knew this because my wife put it on her Facebook at the time and many of them did the sad face response. But, no calls, nothing written on her or my Facebook. Nothing. No get well wishes. Nada.

I was so effing hurt I blocked all of them and haven't spoken to anyone since 2021. Oh, and one of my nieces actually lives in the same town, and nothing. The same niece who never once thanked me any time I had her over for Christmas or just a home cooked meal. I let that go until my wife almost died. That's not how a family is supposed to behave.

[Joinfortmill]

20. People can be quite shocking.

[XanaDUer2]

25. Sounds like my family

I'm sorry

[Doodley]

10. Questions for you: Do you want to cancel your sister? Do you want to let your sister know how you feel? Does your

sister usually behave like this?

[debm55]

13. Yes and my mother is worse, my dad died last September. I was made fun of by my mother and sister in front of relatives

that my father and myself shared a Jewish nose. this in front of my dad't open casket. My sister told every she has cancer. I got the rage from my mom to remove the rosary from my father's hands. Relatives still believe my sister and mother;s crap. I called Elder care on my dad. I was his favorite if you want to call it that. But I placed a heart shaped card in the coffin. My and Diane were furious. He called me his Valentine. I usually send money and cards. but the 68 years of being sexually, physically and mentally have taken a toll.Maybe I am a nasty person. But I just don't know because through all the shit that was done to me, I honored my family. I don't know if it is healthy or not. As far as relatives , they only know what they are told.

[CousinIT]

16. You are NOT nasty and you are not a shit. After a lifetime of this abuse....

…girl, take care of yourself! These people are NOT good for you! If you can talk to a therapist (I know - $$$) that might help with your feelings of guilt - because they are unjustified. And, help you set strict boundaries to protect yourself from the toxic family.

You need to love you. They are incapable.

[BigMin28]

29. You are not a nasty person

There is nothing nasty in protecting yourself and the family you built from these toxic, hateful people you were raised by and with. Frankly, they don't deserve to have someone as kind as you in their lives, and your sister certainly doesn't deserve a birthday card. I know it's hard, but don't let their words linger in your mind. Those words are a reflection of the person saying them, not a reflection of you.

[radical noodle]

33. My dear debm55

Sweetheart, you need a break from these people. They are your "family" by blood but apparently they are not emotionally connected to you and never consider you unless they need you.

I think you should stop spending a dime on them and spend your money on a therapist to try to get them out of your head (if that seems like a good idea to you).

As for the card, I believe I'd put it in the trash, dust off my hands, and be done with all of it. Cherish your good relationships. No one needs or deserves this sort of abuse, particularly from so-called family.

While I'm here, I'm going to leave you a poem that has helped me many times through the years:

She Let Go

She let go. Without a thought or word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the "right" reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forever more."

-- Ernest Holmes

We're all here for you!

[sarge43]

38. Then, it's time to cut the cord.

You need to heal yourself for Rick's sake and your own. You've been abused and it has to stop.
If you can, get counseling. There are plenty of people who have been down this hole and they know the way out.
Honor and respect are a two way street. You haven't receive any, absolutely no reason why you should hurt yourself trying to return it. Your family does not deserve it.
"Maybe I am a nasty person." In this old bat's opinion, you're one of the sweetest people on DU. For the sake of yourself and the people you love and love you in return, slam the door in the face of the real nasties and lock it.

Healing thoughts for Rick and yourself.

[gay texan]

11. Girlfriend, you and i need to talk

(Makes mimosa's, hands you one)

Girl, stop jumping through flaming circus hoops for these people.

Lord knows you have gone above and beyond for these people. They never return the favor.

[stopdiggin]

12. I think you KNOW you're not a sh*t, Deb.

And I believe the answer to your question (which I'd hazard you also already know) ...
Is that at this point - and after this many years and this many efforts - what you owe to your family, is exactly what you choose to extend toward them. Not a penny more, nor a penny less.

My dear - whatever you choose to do - is 100% warranted, just, and in keeping ...

Whatever makes you happy, love ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Dear_Prudence]

14. Sounds like the card is bothering you.

You could drop it in the mail to get it out of the house and off your mind. You could send it late, a kind passive-agressive move. You could tear it up and toss it out, in a symbolic enough-is-enough ceremony. Whatever feels right to you or gets this off your mind. The give-and-take relationship with Rich and your friends feeds your soul. 💞 On the other hand, the take-take-take relationships in our lives are soul-sucking. It is almost Halloween, time to banish emotional vampires from our lives. 🦇 Take care, debm55.

[marble falls]

27. Good thought. The card is nothing in the scheme of things - but dealt with in a quickly easy way - ...

... a postage stamp or a match. It's a sticking point: clear it in a final way and get it off the the table.

[CousinIT]

15. I would not send a card. They are toxic and selfish. Take care of you and hubby.

They are all take and no give. No card.

Hugs to you for having such a careless, toxic family. I have one too. They don’t give a rat’s ass about me either. I’m essentially alone. But it is what it is. You have your dear hubby - focus on him and yourself.

[MyMission]

17. I would probably send the card

So I wouldn't feel guilty or bad about not sending one. Different form of self preservation!
Then I'd know I did the honorable decent thing as I see it (if I was someone who sent cards!)

I went through something comparable, when my parents left NYC and my father said he was never going back because there was nothing there for him. I was there! I was very hurt and offended and decided I wasn't going to go visit him anymore. My mother did come back to NY to visit me. Then my friends father passed away, he was 20 years younger than my father. I realized I'd feel guilty if something happened to him and I hadn't visited, even though I didn't want to. When he died I knew I'd been a good daughter and honored my parents, hadn't shunned my father as he'd done to me.

I'm an only child, so I don't have siblings to deal with. But if I did, I'd try to maintain some type of relationship even if I had no use for them. For me it would be a call once or twice a year, at holidays or birthdays, to protect myself from any guilt or regret I might have in the future! I'd feel better about myself, superior for showing I can maintain a relationship with a difficult family member. That's just me, and my 2 cents!


I

[Phoenix61]

19. I wouldn't send anything.

Long boring story… I have a brother I stopped talking to about 6 years ago. Best decision I ever made.

[Kali]

21. why did you get a card for her?

clean cuts are easier, contact encourages. if you are done with being abused you are done with your abusers.

[LauraInLA]

22. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I hope you and your husband can both have some

peace. Since you already have the card, I’d send it to get it physically and mentally out of your space. But I’d stop reaching out to your abusive family — they only drain you, and you have people who love and appreciate you to take care of.

In future, I might send an annual card at Christmas and birthdays, but that’s just me. But if it doesn’t feel right to you, then just let it go.

[Phentex]

23. Ditto everything here!

And it’s okay to not send anything in the future

[XanaDUer2]

24. IGNORE

[sinkingfeeling]

26. Just sign the card and send it. Do not write anything in it and do not call.

[marble falls]

28. One of the only two good resolutions. It's a distraction.

[AltairIV]

31. Make a SMALL effort

I agree with sinkingfeeling, send the card sign it but do not write anything. Facing one's own mortality sometimes ( and I mean sometimes) can change a persons outlook and perspective. Do the least taxing on your own emotional well-being, but it at least keeps the line of communication open. I sincerely wish you the best and hope for better times to come.

[PJMcK]

30. Your generosity is remarkable

As is your sense of family.

Trust your heart, debm55. You'll know what to do.

Your focus must be on your husband and yourself. You know if there's room in your soul for your family.

Peace and health.

[madaboutharry]

32. You are not a shit.

Your mom and sister sound like two very narcissistic people. These kinds of people don't love anyone. It has nothing to do with you.
The truth is that no matter what you decide to do, whether you send the card or not, it will not make any difference. It won't change anything. Maybe sending the card will only further their believe that they have some kind of power over you and your feelings.
I don't know what is the best thing to do. When dealing with unloving and selfish people whatever you do is never the right thing anyway.

[MaryMagdaline]

34. I would send the card. Your heart is too kind and it would be a burden if you did not send it.

From this point on, ignore your family for your own piece of mind. If you traditionally send cards, continue to do so. It’s hard for decent people to stop being decent. Do nothing else for them - first, because they do not deserve it, and second, because you need all of your strength for yourself and husband.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. A spouse’s illness can be an isolating event. You realize it really is the two of you against the world. I had emotional support from friends and family, and still it was difficult. Be kind to yourself.

[Raven123]

35. Do whatever satisfies your need for contentment

Your anger is righteous, but ask yourself why are you are agonizing over this? If in fact you have disconnected from your sister and are at peace with your decision, why send the card? Tradition is hard to break, but sometimes necessary.

If you are distressed over being berated for not sending the card, make a plan for dealing with that and be at peace with your plan. We all can be triggered (I have to tell myself that every day).

My mother was the expert at dealing with anger. She just said nothing. Didn’t regret any escalating hostile interactions or ill considered responses, in the face of others behaving irrationally.Wish I had her fortitude on this one.

Just a few thoughts. Best wishes on your decision

[WestMichRad]

36. So sorry you're dealing with this crap.

Please take the advice of your DU friends and cut those toxic people out of your life.

[Wicked Blue]

37. No card, no phone call

Your sister and mother sound like they are seriously mentally ill. Please protect yourself from their abusive behavior.

Are you familiar with Codependents Anonymous?
https://coda.org/

There is also a book that helped me a lot. Becoming Your Own Parent by Dennis Wholey.
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Your-Own-Parent-Dysfunctional/dp/0385245912

[malthaussen]

40. One's conduct is always, repeat always, contingent upon one's own morality...

... and not, repeat not, contingent upon the actions of others. You do what is right because it is right, not because you will make points with someone else (which, judging from what you've said of your family in the past, is a losing proposition).

-- Mal

[ProfessorGAC]

41. Question

Would she be a friend & confidant if you weren't siblings?
If the answer is no, no card.
We pick our friends. Family is an accident of birth.
Full disclosure: I think family ties are overrated unless they pass the friendship test. One element of that test is reciprocity. "You can count on me/I can count on you". This relationship appears wholly one-sided. It fails the friendship test.
Were it me, i wouldn't send the card.

[FullySupportDems]

42. I'm so glad you got tons of good advice

You really deserve moral support. No one has the right to hurt your feelings just because they want to. Nobody.

[mercuryblues]

43. I am evil

I would send her a sympathy card. If she calls all upset act shocked. Say Oh my, that means so and so got your birthday card with cash in it. oh well, as Mom says things happen. Happy Birthday.

Then you and hubby go out for dinner on the $$$ money you saved.

Did I tell you I was evil?

[snot]

44. Forget the card; instead,

think about what you want from her? And what are your feelings about it all?

E.g., from her you might wish for love, appreciation for your efforts to help her, help from her when you're the one in need, etc.
Re- your feelings, you might feel disappointment and hurt about her treatment of you, anger, a sense of obligation and fear of guilt if you neglect her, a fear of becoming disconnected from your family of origin – however awful they might be – etc..

Be curious and non-judgmental about what's going on inside you, disregarding for the moment what's "right" or "realistic" and giving yourself plenty of time and space to understand what you really want and feel. I find meditation quite helpful in attempting this kind of work. You may find that you want and feel a multitude of things, many of them conflicting; you may feel proud of some and ashamed of others. Whatever course of action you may ultimately choose, at the minimum, you're entitled to your feelings and to be able to connect with them in a non-judgmental way.

Your sister is entitled to her wants; you’re entitled to yours; you don’t have to make hers ‘wrong” in order to make yours “right”; but that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to make all her wishes come true.

Once you've excavated how you really feel and what you want, be it realistic or not, yes, think then about things realistically. Your time and energy are valuable and might well be better invested in other relationships in which the other person is more able to grow through your efforts rather than merely exploit them and/or more able to reciprocate. Your sister sounds like a damaged person. There are no doubt reasons why she turned out the way she did – you may not even be aware of all of them – and I personally would never withhold empathy for her re- what she may have suffered. At the same time, to what extent are your efforts now actually helping her, or do they, e.g., simply enable or even reward her bad behavior? And how reachable is she – is she capable of listening to other people’s perspectives?

When you're ready, write a draft letter setting out what you want from your sister and any limits you intend to place on your help to or interactions with her. You might express empathy toward her if appropriate and/or how you felt in response to her behavior; but try to avoid suggesting anyone's right or wrong – judgment is rarely helpful; the main gist should be to state simply and clearly what you want. (You may want to go through several drafts.)

If she is reachable and you think a more mutual relationship might be possible, your honest, non-judgmental info about what you do and don't want from her might be helpful to bot of you. If she's not reachable, well, at least you tried.

Another, sort of similar approach: I had a family member I'd struggled with & over for several decades. They were abusive and so broken/crazy that they were not infrequently completely out of touch with reality; but they weren't "all evil," either, and I knew I'd suffer guilt feelings if I didn't treat them with at least minimal consideration. Once I understood my part in subjecting myself to the abuse and that it was almost certainly impossible to get through to this person in any way that would allow a more mutual relationship, I wrote them a letter thanking them for everything good about them that I could think of – AND I also reduced my contact with them to the absolute minimum possible within the limits of my sense of family obligation and also tried harder to simply say "no" to unreasonable demands.

Another friend with an alcoholic parent wrote them a letter simply flatly telling them that she was uncomfortable with the parent drinking around her child and that the parent would no longer be allowed to be with the child while drunk or drinking. I was slightly flabbergasted; but it worked – the parent never again drank around the child.

These spproaches have helped me move on.

Good luck!