Is a "Dear Asshole" letter you will never send a good way to blow off steam?

[CTyankee]

I have to deal with my privately-published book producer tomorrow. He is a religious rightwinger. But he was recommended by a good soul, my former English professor, and he is doing this book for me for quite a bit less than I could hire elsewhere (I tried). So I am writing this letter which he'll never see. I do this in the hopes that it will help me be calm and wrap our project up and give him his check (my book is on art history, no politics involved).

I've been told that to write out your frustration, then either delete it or keep it to yourself.

Have you ever done this? Has it helped or just fueled your anger?

[Funtatlaguy]

1. My therapist had me write one to my dead alcoholic mean father.

It helped me get some things off of my chest.

[CTyankee]

4. I also have TWO big Harris posters on the wall right above my desktop computer. So HER FACE is right in his!

It's almost as if she will be looking down at him, warning him not to bust a move.

Hubby thinks I am a bit mean to be this way, but he loves Kamala, too.

[Sneederbunk]

2. Lincoln did this several times.

[LisaM]

3. Yes, I have done this.

I can even give you a bit of a different scenario where I wrote two letters. I lived in an old house that was divided up for renters (we had a basement apartment, the landlady lived on site). She was a terrible landlady and after we moved (evicted without cause) we were approached by an attorney for one of the people who still lived there to write a letter to the city stating why she should never be allowed to have renters again.

Well, I wrote a doozy of a letter, listing all my personal grievances against her, some legit, most personal and petty. The attorney basically said, that's nice, but now can you write a more restrained and factual account?

Which I did, and it worked, but boy did it feel good to write that first letter.

[CTyankee]

7. I just hope Harris doesn't get cheated out of this election...

But I hope to get this book finished and on its way to the printer before I have to meet with him again.

[FalloutShelter]

5. I think this is great therapy and I do it al the time... LOL.

Write it down take it outside and burn it. (safely, of course.)
Give it to the universe.

[NNadir]

6. I've done that. A practitioner of that approach was none other than Abraham Lincoln, who wrote many such letters.

The most famous is the unsent leader to George Meade after Gettysburg.

Do it. It's therapy.

[SheltieLover]

8. Write it & restory the ending.

It will likely help you to feel better. It's an art therapy technique.

Also, the VA has published about Dr. James Pennebaker's Therapeutic Journaling technique here:

https://www.va.gov/WHOLEHEALTHLIBRARY/tools/therapeutic-journaling.asp

[CTyankee]

12. Thank you!

[SheltieLover]

14. You are so welcome!

I love to hear about people journaling as a way to purge malignant memories!

[MiHale]

9. I do that a lot...

Usually by the time I’m halfway through…in the days of yore… I wadded up the paper and pitched it …nowadays hit the delete button…saves paper….for me releases the negative emotions.

[lark]

10. It's helpful, per my friend who is a Psychologist.

We had a talk about this one time.

[wnylib]

11. I do it all the time, have been doing it since my teen years 6 decades ago.

Works for me. But, it could fuel frustrations instead of relieving them, depending on how you approach the unsent letter project. Sometimes it takes more than one letter to reach your own state of equilibrium.

In situations where I've written more than one letter (or just edited one letter a few times), the first draft is full of strong emotions that just spill out. Second or edited letters are calmer, with more precise language expression. I know that the letter has worked for me when I feel a sense of satisfaction at having stated my point well.

The process not only helps to calm me, but also serves as self-examination about my thoughts, feelings, and relationship with the person I am writing to. Am I being honest with myself about the reasons for my anger, frustration, etc.? Is there anything in the letter that should be said in person to clarify the relationship?

The process helps to clarify for myself just what my feelings and thoughts are and how to handle them.

The process also works for positive feelings as well as negative ones. Sometimes people have strong feelings of gratitude or admiration toward someone which would be awkward or embarrassing to say in person. Unsent letters help to gain perspective on how to state compliments in ways that do not embarrass the recipient or myself. Or, the writing process helps me to see ways that I can show appreciation appropriately in things that I do instead of in spoken words.

[CTyankee]

15. My anger has a lot to do with politics right now.

I'm angry with him for being (and voting) anti choice (he calls it "pro-life&quot . I know that I am allowing my feelings of outrage over abortion rights to take over. You know what I mean...

[wnylib]

16. An unsent letter could help you learn to cope with

the fact that some people are so locked into their views that you just can't discuss the topic with them. I'd probably start the unsent letter with something like, "Since we can't discuss this in person without destroying our business relationship, I'm writing down what I think that you are missing in your attitude about abortion....." I'd probably end it with some comment about what a relief it will be when no longer needing to do business together.

Writing out your feelings might also help you discover appropriate good responses to anti-abortionists that you encounter in the future, i.e. a good question to make them think.

[Donkees]

19. Since you began this project, your 'feelings of outrage' have detoured this book several times ...

the last advice I offered was that your readers weren't expecting the noise of politics about the artists in 'The Gladdened Heart - The Art of Music' and not to focus on the noise.

[CTyankee]

20. I moved past that a while back. No, this is now a question of money to publish it privately. It will have to wait until

my bank account grows back. Maybe after the the new year starts. Lots of things happened at once, esp. since the escrow payment on our monthly mortgage ballooned.

Actually, the debate over art and politics is quite interesting. However, the theme of the book is about how artists depicted that which cannot be seen: MUSIC.

[Donkees]

21. My point is that the author of "The Gladdened Heart ...'' is now writing a 'Dear Asshole' letter

to the book producer because of politics. The 'outrage' has already had a negative effect on your immune system, and so will any amount of fake "Dear Asshole" letters you may compose. Focus on your inspiration for the book.

[CTyankee]

28. I see your point and I agree. There's a bit more to what is going on right now than I will bore you with

(and is not relevant anyway to this issue). I think just airing it on DU helped!

I'm meeting with him tonight and we"ll go forward on what we DO agree on: getting the book done asap. There have been some extra unexpected expenses involving repairs to the house since we last met. That was unavoidable; they HAD to be done. I'll find out tomorrow when our plumber gets the part he needs to fix the gas dryer and finishes the job. We also have our house cleaner coming and she is now charging $160 per visit instead of $140 but we need her to clean and do laundry as I can no longer carry heavy baskets of laundry up and down 2 flights of stairs (basement laundry room).

At my age (85) I think I do pretty well...

[Mad_Dem_X]

13. I have done this

I had a co-worker once who I flirted with because I thought he was cute. When I got to know him, he was kind of a jerk. So I wrote a letter to him, calling him out on his man-child ways, but never sent it to him. I kept it in the journal that I had; I can't find the journal now, but I'm assuming the letter is still in there.

Co-worker and I lost touch many moons ago. I have no idea where he is now. We were in our early 20's when this happened.

[Kashkakat v.2.0]

17. Yes! Often I write the letter that is unfiltered and says what I'm REALLY thinking, then I write the

one that is totally adult and business-like, but which still gets the point across. It seems I have to get the first version out of my system before i can approach it in a more adult-like manner.

[Aristus]

18. Definitely!

I can't count how many times I've written a Facebook reply, in full, to some Internet dickhead, who may actually have been a bot or a troll farm denizen, then deleted it before sending. Some people just aren't worth the effort.

[av8rdave]

22. It absolutely helps

It’s not only cathartic. It helps organize your thoughts and “rational test” your outrage.

Just be sure to destroy it when you’re done.

[CTyankee]

23. I already have. By the time I am reading your post I finished my written rant and the hit "delete."

[jcgoldie]

24. until you accidentally email it to your boss!

doh!

[AllaN01Bear]

26. ya , make sure no one can find it

a seriosly oops moment.

[AllaN01Bear]

25. never heard of this methold before.

[Metaphorical]

27. I Write a Regular Blog

Most of the time it tends to focus on fairly technical issues like data modelling, but I do also occasionally write about both social and economic issues, typically from a fairly liberal slant. Over the years, I have gotten into the habit of finishing a blog post then letting it sit overnight. In the morning, I can look at it with a fresh eye, and can usually tell when I've gone from being fairly constrained to being preachy (or just missing my audience entirely). I have quite a backlog now of draft posts, some of which I occasionally revisit once I can look at the post objectively, and will occasionally take that as a seed to write a more measured post as a consequence.

[CTyankee]

29. That's a great method! Sometimes my rants get bogged down in "stuff" and are not to the point.

I don't rant often.

[Basso8vb]

30. Absolutely

This is a process my therapist used and it worked for me.

[3catwoman3]

31. I've written a couple of angry letters that I never sent.

I recently came across one that I stashed away and thought it was so good I wished I had sent it.

I agree with post number 5 about an additional technique. Our older son spent his first 2 years of college at a D1 school where he was recruited for the soccer team, and then sat the bench the whole 2 years. The second year, there were about 6 players who the coach did not like, for one reason and another, one of whom was our kid. He did not allow those players to even wear their uniforms to the home games so they knewthere was no chance they'd get put in, he'd leave those players at home for away games and take players who were injured and couldn't play, and when my son hurt his back, they never had him see the team doctor. It turned out he had 2 fractures of the little bony wings that are part of the vertebral bodies.

One late evening, I took one of the team T-shirts I'd bought from the campus book store out onto our drive way and set it on fire. It was very therapeutic!

[sanatanadharma]

32. Everyone ought have their personal altar of surrender for ranting and cleansing

Venting in one's private space is best for getting it said, emotions expressed, and salving the one.
Everyone ought have their personal altar of surrender for ranting and calming disturbances.

A great benefit is that, being private not public, there is no response-reaction chain-actions. The chain of retribution is severed.

[marble falls]

33. My ex wife did that and she wrote great letters I was glad she didn't send. One day she wrote one to IRS ...

... over a dispute we had over a mistake we felt they made. They had written back that we were right: we actually owed about a $1,000 more. And she wrote a scorcher signed by her but with my name added. I read it and told her it was good, but I was glad she didn't send it. She told me she had. We did get audited the next year. Could have been worse, they could, at least in the 80s, audit one for six years in a row.

I used to write responses for the business I worked for in Chicago. My boss loved them. He'd say, "send it!" And I said no, that we'd send the snarkless one that will develop out of this one.

It just is a good thing to get the venom and anger out first and then respond.