Secret Service Urges Trump Not To Use Qatari-Gifted Jet Pack

[milestogo]

SATIRE

Published: July 10, 2026

WASHINGTON—Despite protestations from the White House that the propulsion system was fully safe to operate, the Secret Service on Friday strenuously urged President Donald Trump not to use the jet pack gifted to him by Qatar. “While we certainly understand the appeal of this device, it would be challenging to provide effective security for the president were he to launch into the air at 100 miles per hour on a flight path he had no hope of controlling,” said Secret Service head Sean Curran, adding that Trump might not get off the ground to begin with if his legs were incinerated by the jet pack’s thrusters.”

Even if he were to successfully launch and somehow stabilize himself midair, and even if the jet pack didn’t explode as the result of a cooling system malfunction, there’s no way he’d be able to fly 3,000 miles for his upcoming state visit to Ireland, as he currently intends to do. He’d run out of fuel just a few miles offshore, forcing us to retrieve him before he sunk to the bottom of the ocean under the weight of his backpack tanks. Fortunately, we’re confident he appreciates the risks and will act accordingly.” At press time, reports confirmed the White House was on fire after Trump ignored repeated pleas not to operate the jet pack indoors.

https://theonion.com/secret-service-urges-trump-not-to-use-qatari-gifted-jet-pack/

[CanonRay]

2. It must have Saturn V rockets to get his fat ass off the ground.

[Tetrachloride]

3. I must not self delete this message

[usonian]

4. Dear Onion, "Someone" anticipated this back in July 2020.

Read my EXIF

And happy landing!!!

[ImNotGod]

5. Please Mr President, don't listen to the SS, they are just jealous and don't want you to look cool like James Bond! nt