Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business

[milestogo]

SATIRE

Published: March 30, 2026

JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be various woodworking projects and not the establishment of a messianic kingdom,” said Christ, the Light of the World, adding that He was looking forward to finishing the walnut kitchen island He had set aside for His martyrdom two millennia ago.

“I realize many of you were looking forward to Me performing various miracles and casting Satan into a lake of fire, but I honestly can’t wait to spend My time building bookshelves, artisanal cabinets, and handcrafted chess sets—you can’t get that perfect rosewood for the pieces in heaven. We didn’t have power tools in Galilee back in the day, so I’m also excited to find out what I can accomplish with a band saw and a router, even if the righteous will, unfortunately, not be resurrected.” The King of Kings went on to request that His followers not pray to Him unless they were potential clients reaching out for an estimate.

https://theonion.com/jesus-clarifies-return-will-be-strictly-limited-to-carpentry-business/

[Goonch]

2. ;-{) Hell No!

[dweller]

3. Hear me out

Tiny homes … for everyone .

🤔



✌🏻

[littlemissmartypants]

8. Love it! ❤️

[jls4561]

4. I'm thinking about what He could accomplish if he were to team up with Norm Abrams.

Talk about miracle workers!

[BHDem53]

5. HFH

[littlemissmartypants]

7. Habitat for Humanity?

[BHDem53]

10. Yes

[BurnDoubt]

6. Keep an Eye out for ICE.

You LOOK pretty White, but you talk funny and sound “Woke”.

[BattleRow]

13. DEICE...

Interesting that deity starts with DEI...

[BurnDoubt]

15. It's A Sign!!!!!!!

[littlemissmartypants]

9. 😎

[Gaugamela]

11. Besides, that preachy thing didn't work out so well for him or posterity.

[Historic NY]

12. I'd hire him migrant or not

he can bring his dad

[Martin68]

14. I no longer consider myself a Christian, but the teachings of Jesus as recorded in the New Testament are all about

helping and protecting the poor, the helpless and the disabled. Extremist conservatives have tried to hijack Christianity to justify crimes of humanity that Jesus never condoned. He wanted us to accept immigrants and stranger into our homes if they need help. I know this is supposed to be an amusing satire or parody, but I see it as justifying the right wing attacks on the love, mercy and forgiveness Jesus preached. I suggest we focus on love rather than hate.

[MerryBlooms]

17. Mocking certain beliefs, good. Christians are not welcome here.

Some Jews are. Islam, all in. Let's see, 99.9 of all faiths mocked, unless, it's super cool faith a the week. Haha

[Swede]

16. Jesus the healer.