Trump Announces New 'Dodger Dividend' For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service

[edbermac]

WASHINGTON—Praising the recipients for their acts of true American cowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new “Dodger Dividend” on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service.

“Today, we celebrate the millions of patriots willing to step up and do whatever it takes to avoid being shipped off to war and getting themselves killed,” Trump said in a primetime televised address, claiming that the $1,776 payments were the least he could do for those willing to risk everything by faking a medical condition, falsifying a student deferment, or forging National Guard reserve-duty papers on behalf of the nation.

“Whether their wealthy father paid a doctor to claim they had bone spurs, or they got drunk and shot a bullet straight through their foot, or they spent an entire week soiling their pants before visiting the draft office, these Americans deserve every penny. To those who claimed family hardship after backing their car over their grandmother in the driveway, we salute you. You’ve earned it.”

Trump added that he would also be awarding a “Deserter Dividend” to anyone who willfully abandoned their post or went AWOL while serving.

https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-dodger-dividend-for-anyone-who-avoided-military-service/

[Permanut]

1. And of course, award one to himself first.

[bearsfootball516]

2. God damn, there was a second where I thought this was real.

The Onion is too good at what they do sometimes!

[MustLoveBeagles]

3. It's not any crazier then what he actually said

[dalton99a]

4. Kick

[dweller]

5. Aptly named

The Cowardice Conscription Consortium Proclamation ,

or CCCP act


🤔





✌🏻

[niyad]

6. Hey, Onion, don't give him any ideas!

[AllaN01Bear]

7. lol

yea, please dont.

[Kid Berwyn]

8. Fighting VD was Bonespur's "own personal Vietnam."

Avoiding STDs while single, Trump told Stern, "It's amazing, I can't even believe it. I've been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It's like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider."

Link to tweet

[Cherokee100]

9. Don't Give

Hey people, don't give the draft dodger, any ideas.

[LetMyPeopleVote]

10. I love the Onion

[debm55]

11. Until I got to the bottom. I thought it was real.