Spurious News: US rocked by news a cat is now president!
OCEANSIDE, CALIF. (Spurious News Network) -- Markets have surged, foreign relations have revived on friendly terms and a feeling of infinite joy has erupted after it was learned today that a cat has been elevated to the exalted post of President of the United States.
President Whiskers is a neutered, mixed-breed 11-year-old tomcat. He's a gray tabby who weighs 12 pounds. He enjoys sleeping in boxes and licking his butt. He became president at 11:35 this morning when, during a naval missile fire demonstration off the Marine Corps' Camp Pendleton, located north of Oceanside, a missile went off course, impacted the reviewing stand the entire Trump Administration was on, and the missile's warhead detonated. Nothing is left.
The Navy's response was one word: "Oops."
President Whiskers seems to enjoy being our nation's leader, and is taking his job seriously. He's been presented with nine bills awaiting approval or disapproval. Five of the bills were seen as helpful to the nation, and he rubbed his head on them. The other four were written by Republicans - three attempts to repeal Obama or Biden-era policies and one asking the Pope to elevate slain conservative icon Charlie Kirk to sainthood. President Whiskers turned his back on the three repeal bills. The Kirk bill got a different reaction....
"President Whiskers tore up the bill by ripping it apart with his teeth, piling the scraps in the middle of the Resolute Desk and taking a giant crap on them," said a White House spokesperson. "It was pretty funny to watch him work, but we knew better than to stop him. That cat will fuck you up if you piss him off."
But...why a cat? The spokesperson explained: "President Trump decided to ignore the rules governing presidential travel and took the entire line of succession to Camp Pendleton with him. When he was informed a designated survivor, an official who will become president in the event of something like this happening, must be named he fired the first fifteen advisors who tried to tell him this then decided nothing would possibly go wrong and appointed one of Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick's three cats to the post. "We checked the Constitution," said the spokesperson, "and it doesn't say a cat CAN'T be president."
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But other than that cat confusion ... EXCELLENT WORK! 
