Spurious News: "No fucking way we let Trump make recess appointments"
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- According to Article 2, Section 1, Clause 3 of the United States Constitution, "The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session."
"This is one of the few things in the Constitution that President-Elect Trump likes," said Sen. John Barrasso (R-SD), the Senate Republican Conference Chairman. "It allows him to install people who are too controversial to gain approval of the Senate into offices we'd never let them take...like, for instance, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services."
"However, all is not lost," said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), the Vice Chair of the Democratic Conference. "We can make sure he doesn't get the chance to."
"In essence," said Senator Mike Crapo (R-ID), "we won't recess until the end of the next Congress."
"Ever," said Senator John Fetterman (D-PA). "There are a lot of us who live within a day's drive of the Capitol. What we've done is set up a duty roster where when senators need to go back to their districts to do the people's work there, we'll have a half-dozen of us on the floor doing our work in the Capitol so we don't need to recess the body. The roster appointments last a week so everyone here can do his or her job."
"Those of us who live far enough from the Capitol that we need to take a plane trip to get back home are stepping up too," said Senator Joni Ernst (R-IA), the Republican Policy Committee Chair. "I'm on the roster. So is every other member of the body. Even the Senators who just got elected are on it. The Senate cares about America. I support President Trump, but he needs to appoint people to his Cabinet who aren't agents of chaos. There are lots of good Republicans in the United States that he can choose."
"We've gotten together and decided that with modern technological innovations like teleconferencing," said Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), the Democratic Chair of Outreach, "we can effectively govern from anywhere. That's what we're going to do. We've already set up a secure Zoom channel. We can hold debates and vote on legislation from home or even from our phones. Today's business community relies on teleconferencing; there's no reason we can't do it too."
This rare display of bipartisanship comes after President-for-Life Elect Donald Trump announced his picks for the various Cabinet secretaries. "It seems that the primary qualification for being made a Cabinet secretary in the second Trump Administration is hating the agency he wants to put you in charge of," said Senator Roger Marshall (R-KS). "None of them are quality people. He needs to go back to the drawing board and pick good people."
"What's next?" asked Senator Maria Cantwell (D-WA). "Is he going to try to put the medicine man of the Mohawk Nation in as Surgeon General?"
"We don't even have a medicine man," said Michael L. Conners, Tribal Chief of the St. Regis Mohawk Tribe, the Mohawk band in central New York State. "No Native nation has a medicine man; they haven't existed for decades. You'd think with as many reservations as there are in Senator Cantwell's home state she'd know that. But yeah, if we had one Trump would probably try to make him Surgeon General."
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