Here's Why I Decided To Buy 'InfoWars' By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

[Coexist]

Here's the link, please use it!

https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.

Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.

...
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.

[Gore1FL]

1. This is hilarious. nt

[Hugin]

2. A thing of beauty!

[Maeve]

3. The fact that the Onion REALLY DID WIN THE BID makes this so, so very!!!!!

[Coexist]

4. in a serious article, he said, 'with the help of Sandy Hook families' which makes me cry!

[Biophilic]

5. Yes! I really needed this today. Perfect. The Onion may become my first choice each morning.

Easier to wake up to a snort or laugh than trumpian world facts.

[dchill]

6. Musk-y, yet pithy.

[HuskyOffset]

7. Hilarious

"...collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin..."

That made me LOL for a good minute.

[Passages]

8. I love this news.

[Wounded Bear]

9. So when do they start marketing Brawndo?

It has electrolytes!

[Coexist]

13. On Bluesky, they said they own EVERYTHING

I would like to reiterate: We own everything. The broadcasting equipment, the supplements, the intellectual property for Brain Force Plus. We are still trying to figure out what to do with it.

[OMGWTF]

10. When I woke up and heard this I thought, "No, it's got to be just another Onion headline." I stand corrected.

L to the O to the L!

[Mountain Mule]

11. Best laugh I've had since the election!

And it's for real. Too much!

[rubbersole]

12. Wish somebody with a sense of humor would buy faux news.

Bring back Tuckems and O'Reilly. Tan their balls while they read 'My Pet Goat' live...

[KitFox]

14. "So shines a good deed in a weary world"

from Willy Wonka popped into my head. I followed Ben Collins’ excellent investigative reporting of online conspiracy theories when he was at The Daily Beast and then NBC. He was sidelined by NBC when he went after Musk for blocking journalists on Twitter. So luckily for us he became CEO of The Onion and now Infowars! This is delicious! Thank you for posting this!