Spurious News: Trump nominates Satan secretary of interior to broad acclaim
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- President-for-Life Elect Donald Trump, as part of forming his leadership team for his second stint in the White House, today nominated Satan, Ruler of Hell and the Prince of Darkness, as his Secretary of the Interior.
"Something has to be done about all those woke bureaucrats and Democrat traitors," said Trump in a prepared statement. "Wait until the liberal tears start falling after Satan turns our national parks into lakes of fire."
The response to this announcement wasn't exactly what Trump was expecting.
Timothy Cardinal Dolan, the Catholic Archbishop of New York, was first a bit confused. "Satan? You mean Miroslav Satan, the hockey player? Yeah, he was good but doesn't he live in Slovakia?" When Cardinal Dolan was informed Trump appointed the one who lives in Hell, he shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea why Donald Trump would put Satan in his administration. He won't fit in. He'll be the least evil person there."
Russell M. Nelson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was similarly befuddled. "If he's trying to curry favor with Christians, why elevate Satan to a Cabinet post? Compared to some of the people over there like Marco Rubio, Kristi Noem and Trump himself Satan isn't that bad, but doesn't he know Christians have a visceral hatred of Satan?"
Shirley Phelps-Roper, former spokesperson for Topeka, Kansas' Westboro Baptist Church, derided Trump's decision. "Now we also have to print up a bunch of 'God Hates Donald Trump' signs. Shame on him!"
God replied to Mrs. Phelps-Roper, "I do hate Trump but not because he put the fucking devil in his Cabinet. I'm not happy about you either."
Satan replied to his nomination, "Hard pass. You think I'm going to work for that bastard?"
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