I just got difficult news about a friend I'm having trouble coming to terms with.

[Coventina]

Reaching out to my DU family.

I'm currently in Florence, Italy, so very far away from her right now.
She's a work colleague that I used to work very closely with, but she transferred to another department.

A colleague on this trip got the email this morning, as she works with her closely now.

She was found comatose in her home over the weekend by her sister.
She had basically starved herself to death by subsisting on peanut butter and wine.
(She lives alone).

She's single, in her early 40s, but makes a decent living for someone who is single.

Apparently, she starved her body of certain nutrients, by only eating peanut butter and drinking wine, that she came down with a form of malnutrition that many homeless people get. She was not skinny at all, did not appear to be malnourished in any way. However, no one has ever noticed her ever eating anything at work. If invited to group lunches, etc. she would always decline due to food sensitivities. She never had a water bottle at her desk. None of these things are suspicious in themselves, people are just remembering in hindsight.

Anyway, due to her coma, she now has permanent, irreversible brain damage and obviously never be able to work again. I don't understand how this could happen. Obviously, something was psychologically wrong for her to starve herself like that, but nobody knew.

I can't believe that I will never talk to this vibrant, intelligent, caring woman again.

I'm really deeply disturbed and saddened by this. It's like she has died, but she still "exists". But the person I knew is gone.

I'm so sorry CK, I wish I had understood what pain you were in, or anything that might have saved you.

How does something like this happen? I just don't understand.

[TheProle]

1. My semi-informed guess would be depression

complicated by social anxiety.

I'm sorry for your friend and everyone who loves and cares for her.

[happy feet]

12. Mine too, unfortunately

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[SheilaAnn]

2. So very sorry Coventina, hoping and praying for your friend and you that there is a good recovery.

[MontanaMama]

3. Oh my. I'm sorry Coventina.

I don't know how this particular thing could happen but, I do understand eating disorders. They exist in many forms. This is indeed a tragedy.

[barbtries]

4. i'm sorry for your loss.

and hers.

i'm guessing it will be a mystery that will go unsolved, how she went to work everyday, interacted with people, and nobody knew what a destructive relationship she was carrying on with food and alcohol. it is very sad.

[Hekate]

5. I'm so very sorry for your loss, Coventina -- I have no idea how one comes to terms with this

[GenXer47]

6. it sounds like she was an alcoholic

I knew someone like this, and she died.
People start not eating to get more buzzed and then it sort of spirals from there. Some eat just enough to stay functional.
Others, like my mother-in-law, eat well and also drink inhuman amounts of vodka, pass out with grease fires on the stove, and repeatedly terrify their children. She found a balance her body could sustain indefinitely (she's in her 70's now).
I'm sorry this has affected your life. It's just sad, there's no making sense of it.

[Scrivener7]

7. I'm so sorry. That's terrible. And the strangeness of it makes it even worse.

[sheshe2]

8. I am so very sorry to hear this, Coventina.

[LuckyCharms]

9. I do not have the right words to address this, except to say

that I understand.

Though not quite the same, I have had several friends and acquaintances over the years who have killed themselves suddenly, with no warning.

Everything appeared normal with them up until the day it happened.

Some things cannot ever be explained. You think that you are close to someone and know most everything about them, but in reality, we really have no idea about what is going on in the minds of others. Some people live their lives in a way which masks their issues.

You somehow have to, if not understand it, at least come to grips with it by telling yourself that it had nothing to do with you, and there is nothing that you could have done. You didn't see any problem because she didn't show you any problem.

My deepest sympathies to you. I'd give you an actual hug if I could.

[CTyankee]

10. what a sad story! If it is any consolation to you, I can relate to that feeling. When I read your

I had a sudden memory of how I felt when a woman I loved very much had just died. She was beloved by everyone and nobody could help her. She died suddenly after being admitted to the hospital and reluctantly having to sign a DNR.

I don't know exactly what the immediate cause was for her sudden collapse of organ failure but she had a long history of alcoholism because she could not overcome the results of alcohol addiction. Looking back, I can see how the world failed her, from the moment she was born (which caused the death of her mother). Those who loved her couldn't help her. Her own brother, age 6 at the time, blamed her for causing his mother's death.

In those days, people didn't talk about such things: she was told her mother just left her. Later of course she discovered her birth precipitated her mother's death because in those days such a toxic pregnancy was often not discovered until labor set in.

Now she has a place in the family for her honor and respect. I am dedicating my upcoming book to her and I now have a granddaughter bearing her name.

[MineralMan]

11. That's too sad for words.

[niyad]

13. Sending hugs and healing vibes for you, my friend. I have no words for this

incredibly sad news. Sending vibes for best possible outcome for your friend.

Your DU family is here for you.

[Coventina]

15. Thank you, sister.

[GreenWave]

14. Very simliar thing has happened to me...

A dear colleague for over a quarter century collapsed due to a brain tumor. Surgery was successful, but prognosis horrible.

We used to communicate very frequently. Now she has withdrawn from one and all including leaving her position.

I am in the same incommunicado situation. No message are returned. It is tough as I often walk by her office and still see her name posted.

What I suspect is she wants to be healthy or not discovered as unhealthy.

It took me months to deal with the incommunicado. I just feel fortunate for having known her so well throughout the years and had many things held in confidence.

She was so peppy and when we others would blab our heads off at a meeting, she would speak so quietly that everyone listened to her immediately. That was quite a gift.

I hope you can find solace somehow in your memories.

[2naSalit]

16. That is...

How my sister killed herself. I am so sorry to hear that another has gone that way, someone dear to you.

[Coventina]

19. I am so sorry to learn this.

What a tragedy.

It just seems to speak of an unbearable pain that is somehow held in secret.

[2naSalit]

22. It was...

For my sister. Her life was messed up by my parents from an early age and her life was never quite what she was told it should be, in fact, it was a private hell just for her. She'd had enough by the time she was at the end of her 60s. I totally get the why part for her, not so much for anyone else.

[yardwork]

17. I'm so sorry for your loss, your loss of a dear friend and colleague.

[Sky Jewels]

18. How terrible. And I really feel for her sister, who, I presume, will have to figure out

how to care for her, perhaps for decades.

[Coventina]

20. That is also a tragedy. A situation like that is so painful.

My mother had a very long, slow descent into dementia that lasted over a decade and we had to deal with issues that the sister will now face.

I don't know if I can get her information to reach out to her, but I will try.

[Niagara]

21. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, Coventina.

I would like to say that I'm not a licensed healthcare provider. It sounds like perhaps your friend had, at some point, developed an eating disorder.


Here's a link to the Mayo Clinic's website about eating disorders.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20353603


Here's another interesting article from Johns Hopkins website.
https://www.jhunewsletter.com/article/2021/10/lets-talk-eating-disorders-on-campus



Peace be with you during this difficult time.

[3Hotdogs]

23. Sad.

Maybe some kind of diet cult?

[MLAA]

24. Sending you and all who cared for your colleague love.

💕💕💕💗💗💕💗💗

[Moostache]

25. My condolences for your grief.

Accept that bad things happen and use that as a reminder to hug those in your life tighter and tell them you love them more frequently is the only thing that I can offer. I recently lost a co-worker to suicide and was left with many of the same feelings and emotions that you described. Her loss was damaging to me in that I never saw it coming and only in retrospective thinking did I realize how much I had taken for granted and not made time to talk or stay closer in touch.

In the case where someone is concealing behavior that is self-destructive it is natural to think about things in review with a new filter that indicts ourselves for not picking up on cues or clues and not doing things differently; but in the end, nothing can bring them back or change time for us. The pain we feel is unavoidable, but trying to use it to fuel better, or just more positive interpersonal habits, and making time for others more regularly, is the best coping mechanism I have found.

[Wild blueberry]

26. Sending a hug

Please take tender care of yourself just now. Be kind to your heart. This is a deep shock.
Hold your friend and her sister in loving light. You can't fix it, nor could you have before.
Once you get home, you'll figure out what you can do.
Meanwhile, just let Florence soak in. Eat some good food.

[LoisB]

27. This is so sad. I am sorry. I don't think we can ever fully understand what internal conflicts

another person has unless they are able to express themselves. She herself may not have known or understood what issues she was internalizing. Sounds like some sort of depression but I don't know.

[Chi67]

28. Awful

I have been through similar situations with friends, but never like this eating disorder you just described. That is so hard to spot, much less address- so certainly do not blame yourself. There was not much you could have done.

[Jean Genie]

29. So sorry

Sorry for your pain, and for that of your friend. How awful that she was so alone, isolated, and hurting, and no one knew. All the more reason we as a nation have to become more sensitive to, and attuned to our fellow humans. In other words, the ugliness has to stop. People have to stop sniping at one another, and start caring, truly believing, that we are all God's children, worthy of one another's love, kindness, understanding, and compassion. I am so sick of the pervasive nastiness that has infiltrated every aspect of this society. It's time to stop with the Schadenfreude and start caring about EVERYONE, no matter the color of their skin, preference of their partners, choices of their reading material, and (and this is a really hard one for me, personally) political preferences.

[Doremus]

30. Deepest sympathies.

My uneducated guess is heart disease. Peanut butter is quite high in fat and if she's been eating it exclusively for several years her arteries were probably significantly occluded. It placed a great burden on her digestive system to process all the fat. Other organs were also likely damaged but she probably would have had a lot of pain in the case of late stage pancreatic or liver cancer, presumably causing her to see a doctor. Heart attack can be quite sudden.

In any case sorry for your loss.

[Evolve Dammit]

31. So sorry to hear of your loss. Perhaps some insight will be gained through others in Florence, and

perhaps some life-saving treatments can restore some of the damage. Is she in a hospital setting currently? I hold out hope for both of you and am glad she has her sister there to help monitor everything.

[dlk]

32. I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend

We don’t always know the personal battles, even those we think we know, are fighting.

[JoeOtterbein]

33. I'm...

...sorry.

(tears)

[fierywoman]

34. Oh Coventina, my heart goes to you.

What you describe feels like a slow suicide ... I discovered a few years ago (from personal experience) that suicide prevention phone lines ALSO talk to the people around the person who suicided (I found them very consoling and they brought me peace.)

[liberal_mama]

35. That's terrible. Peanut butter is one of my main meals now (out of financial necessity)

Food has become so expensive that my daily diet consists of a half can of soup (I used to eat a whole can at a time, but I had to cut back and divide one can into 2 meals) 2x daily and a large spoonful of peanut butter spread on 3 saltine crackers (2x a day). A few times a week, I substitute half of a tuna sandwich or a chicken thigh for the half cans of soup.

Was it possible that she had high bills/expenses and was trying to cut back on expenses?

I wish it was just food prices that went up, but people are dealing with higher credit card payments, higher utility bills, higher property taxes, higher rent, higher mortgages due to the interest rates rising. Food bills and utilities are really the only things you can try to lower like eating less and keeping the house cold in the winter, lights off, and the air conditioning down in the summer. With student loans payments starting soon, millions of people are going to have to tighten their belts even more.

Is she on life support? Is there any hope of recovery at all?

If it wasn't for financial reasons, could it have been anorexia? Although peanut butter and alcohol, depending on how much you consume can have a good amount of calories. Just 2 tablespoons of peanut butter has like 200 calories.

My grandmother died of starvation. She was elderly though, not a younger person in her 40s! One day, she just stopped eating. We tried to bribe her with delicious foods like milkshakes and her favorite dinners. I begged her to eat, told her that she would die if she didn't. She said she didn't want to die, but I think maybe she did. We had swallowing tests done and put her on medications to stimulate her appetite. She just refused to eat, there was nothing physically wrong with her. She had medical directives stating no feeding tubes. It was hard to watch, but her death was peaceful. It took about 3.5 weeks from the time she stopped eating til she died.

[BootinUp]

36. So sorry about your friend.

Only thing I can guess is the pandemic might have had something to do with it.

[LiberalLoner]

37. I'm so sorry for your loss. 😭

I’m sorry for others posting who lost loved ones to suicide as well.

Sometimes people carry so much pain inside but put everything they have towards looking okay from the outside. Appearing normal.

I’m just so sorry.

[NowISeetheLight]

38. I'm Sad to Hear This

I hope you find some peace. Depression is insidious and easy to hide. You often can't see it I others. In many ways losing a friend like this who still exists is worse than having them pass. All you can do is grieve and work toward tomorrow. You're a good person. The fact you are sad shows empathy and that you care.